05-10-2015, 12:20 PM
JM,
I don't really have enough to justify a serious critique, but just personally, I would like to see the idea of congestion introduced earlier so that the dust gets in your eyes and your nose. I'm assuming it is the concrete dust that contributed to your great aunt's lung condition, thus bringing it full circle. Sure there are a few editing things you can do to make it better, or at least cleaner, but I think that has been covered. Great description of the tree. I had to go look up some pictures of it. Nice poem.
Dale
I don't really have enough to justify a serious critique, but just personally, I would like to see the idea of congestion introduced earlier so that the dust gets in your eyes and your nose. I'm assuming it is the concrete dust that contributed to your great aunt's lung condition, thus bringing it full circle. Sure there are a few editing things you can do to make it better, or at least cleaner, but I think that has been covered. Great description of the tree. I had to go look up some pictures of it. Nice poem.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.