05-09-2015, 08:30 PM
10 years long, and short ( I see no use of the comma here. Is there a reason you chose to place it there? Also, someone in the comments mentioned that it is grammatically incorrect to use 10 instead of ten, I disagree, I believe that it is indeed informal but when writing a poem it is entirely a choice of the poet to write numbers as they want, perhaps they intent to be informal. On the other hand I believe that if you chose to be informal or simply write in numerals it should serve a purpose.)
they always get lost
to dread, rage again
against the well within (since your poem as a whole is absent of any figurative language, I believe that the words "well within" are awkwardly used here.)
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on (period.)(I agree with Erthona on this one)
Should have seen, suspected (coma?) (I agree with Erthona here as well, why not use the pronoun "I"? I get that this poem is informal through the use of it's words but I don't see if it serves any purpose.)
witnessed, prepared (the absence of punctuation in only some places makes me feel as if you haven't read your poem carefully enough)
Oh well, What's 10 years?
except a lifetime ago (Why not capitalize here but do so in the rest of the poem?) (Remember to use punctuation)
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone (I like the flow of this stanza, I wished it continued in some other parts of the poem as well) (I did enjoy the irony in these 3 lines!)
Forget it, Forget what I've said (Why is the underlined word capitalized?)
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go. ( In my opinion the rhythm in this poem is confusing but it is tiring in this stanza, it flows like a rap in my ears
)
Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone (last two lines are very powerful)
they always get lost
to dread, rage again
against the well within (since your poem as a whole is absent of any figurative language, I believe that the words "well within" are awkwardly used here.)
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on (period.)(I agree with Erthona on this one)
Should have seen, suspected (coma?) (I agree with Erthona here as well, why not use the pronoun "I"? I get that this poem is informal through the use of it's words but I don't see if it serves any purpose.)
witnessed, prepared (the absence of punctuation in only some places makes me feel as if you haven't read your poem carefully enough)
Oh well, What's 10 years?
except a lifetime ago (Why not capitalize here but do so in the rest of the poem?) (Remember to use punctuation)
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone (I like the flow of this stanza, I wished it continued in some other parts of the poem as well) (I did enjoy the irony in these 3 lines!)
Forget it, Forget what I've said (Why is the underlined word capitalized?)
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go. ( In my opinion the rhythm in this poem is confusing but it is tiring in this stanza, it flows like a rap in my ears
) Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone (last two lines are very powerful)