05-08-2015, 08:46 AM
@Dale, that you are confused by the title is my fault. The poem is missing something to fully expose the title. "Wonderland" was a loose allusion to Allen Ginsberg who too often found himself in the same position as our poor narrator. I wanted the title (and the body) to show that this particular photo was an epiphanic moment for the narrator. - where he realizes a fantasy was indeed a fantasy. But I agree, the title is a little self-indulgent without being fully justified in the rest of the piece. I was about to remove the last line as you suggested but Todd's suggestion to move it up is very tempting so I'm toying with both ideas.
@entwife, brevity is almost always a top priority for me- however I tend to begin a lot of my poems with a conversational tone. It sometimes adds a word or two, but I think it's a habit that I can work at improving. (this does not mean I'm convinced it's a GOOD habit) Having said that, I likely would have offered the same advice had I been critting someone else's work. Go figure.
@Todd, I was trying to find a way to make Dale's suggestions work without the whole thing deflating. The shuffling of the "music" line would NOT have occurred to me. As a matter of fact my edit likely will look very much like your suggested "shift".
Thanks guys for taking the time to read and help me with this. Full credit when I post a revision.
Paul
@entwife, brevity is almost always a top priority for me- however I tend to begin a lot of my poems with a conversational tone. It sometimes adds a word or two, but I think it's a habit that I can work at improving. (this does not mean I'm convinced it's a GOOD habit) Having said that, I likely would have offered the same advice had I been critting someone else's work. Go figure.
@Todd, I was trying to find a way to make Dale's suggestions work without the whole thing deflating. The shuffling of the "music" line would NOT have occurred to me. As a matter of fact my edit likely will look very much like your suggested "shift".
Thanks guys for taking the time to read and help me with this. Full credit when I post a revision.
Paul