05-08-2015, 04:40 AM
I feel like the poem should be longer and little less choppy, I think that would help emphasize the length of the ten years.
"10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on"
This part I feel should have more description, so that you can convey the poem's meaning better. The "forgive me, I go on" part feels unnecessary.
In total, you're telling the feelings, not showing them. I think that showing what you mean usually makes for better poetry. Also, using slightly different words can make it sound less repetitive, unless that was your intention.
The last stanza is definitely my favorite, though. Good luck with future poems
"10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on"
This part I feel should have more description, so that you can convey the poem's meaning better. The "forgive me, I go on" part feels unnecessary.
In total, you're telling the feelings, not showing them. I think that showing what you mean usually makes for better poetry. Also, using slightly different words can make it sound less repetitive, unless that was your intention.
The last stanza is definitely my favorite, though. Good luck with future poems