05-08-2015, 02:42 AM
"I eagerly await to read, boldly written in
fluent body language."
To me, these two lines seem a bit awkward. They feel like they're clashing in my mind. You could try rephrasing it or using a different metaphor, but I can't really give you an example for that one.
"Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse."
This is my favorite line, describes kissing in the best way possible.
"A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor"
I think spoken might be better here, but that could just be me misunderstanding the poem or grammar in general.
Great poem, though
fluent body language."
To me, these two lines seem a bit awkward. They feel like they're clashing in my mind. You could try rephrasing it or using a different metaphor, but I can't really give you an example for that one.
"Lips say more when unattached to words.
Closing our eyes –
we converse."
This is my favorite line, describes kissing in the best way possible.
"A delicate hand-written message
speaks in heavy-breath metaphor"
I think spoken might be better here, but that could just be me misunderstanding the poem or grammar in general.
Great poem, though