Baby of the dawn

[Todd]

Hi YolaSm,

Here are some thoughts for you about your first poem. While the refrain does give your poem some structure and tie it together the danger is that it can come across as monotonous. It needs to be used slightly differently each time to come across as fresh. This is always true but it often is. Another option for you here to consider is to break the refrain into its parts and start each strophe with a part

S1 Young Soul ...

S2: Pure Soul ...

S3: Baby of the Dawn

Truly just a thought, but maybe one to try and see if you like how it turns out.

(Hello everyone, this is the first poem I post in this site. I feel very insecure about my writing because English is not my first language, forgive any silly mistakes but please point them out. I am very open to criticism. Thank you in advance)

"Baby of the Dawn"

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
locked inside your head, locked behind your door,--This line has potential. I think one slight change might bring it out more. Maybe, "locked inside your head like you are behind this door," That feels a bit too wordy still. I think what I'm getting at though is that the internal reflects what's going on in the external. 
forgive your mommy and your daddy for your crying storm.

Look to condense everywhere you can when you don't sacrifice content or tone. Make every word demand to be there. Following what I said above you may choose to do something like this (just for illustration not saying this is how you should execute):


Young soul locked inside your head,
as you are behind this door.
Forgive us for your crying storm.

Young soul, pure soul, baby of the dawn,
no one knows that you bear inside you a little baby thorn.--I like this thorn idea. Condense it down though. Distill this all to its essence.
Let it feed, let it grow, let it bleed
and soon enough you will be able to leave.
A home has never been a place for the obscene,
it's not your home when it's a crime scene.

Old soul, wise soul, baby once born in dawn,
you lit the skies as you crawled your way outside that door.

I don't want to give to much in novice. I hope I wasn't too confusing and some of this helped.

Best,

Todd