05-07-2015, 05:17 AM
(05-02-2015, 09:44 AM)i.might.be.a.bit.sad Wrote: Sounds in the hall,
the loud privacy of
individual crisis. (really liked these first 3 lines and especially the 2nd one. "Loud privacy", such a subtle choice of words, really caught my interest and made me look forward to read the whole poem)
I look out the window, the grass I haven't felt in days.
I am so extremely tired.
Exhausted.
Numb. (I like the simplicity of your lines)
After a long time, <-- (this line doesn't do it for me, it's too raw. Furthermore, line 4 pretty much emphasized on the duration of time, so, there is no need to repeat it here, it also doesn't connect harmonically with the following line.)
I think it's be interesting if you added up 1 or 2 lines here to refer to the reasons why the poetic speaker attempted suicide, the reasons don't have to be explicit. The last line (I don't think I like this one, either.) indicates that the speaker might not even know if he/she didn't like his/her "previous" life, you could perhaps add up to his idea cause I think it is very interesting. Just a suggestion.
This really happened,
It happened.
It happened.
It happened. (The repetition is really powerful here)
I shake and shudder, salt crusting my cheeks.
The night I tried to die,
I got a new life. (I agree with @Unaccoutable ignorance on this line)
I don't think I like this one, either. (very clever ending)