Hail Mary

[tectak]

Mary died a week ago.
I can't let go.I can't let go.
I loved her when hair turned grey. Did you miss 'her' - should that be 'her hair'?
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.
I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now.
We said goodbye and cried for you. 'Her' has become 'you'
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too.
Alone now with your photograph.
I hear you laugh. I hear you laugh.
I sleep and hold the pillow tight. Do you really know what you do when you sleep?
Alone at  night. Alone at  night.
In chill dawn air I make  believe.
I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe.For some reason this really gets me
I doze beside you in the shade .
A dream we made. A dream we made. The transition from repeated lines feels too abrupt. Maybe it would work better if a new stanza began with the next line
Mary died a week ago
but still I see her hair of grey,
and touch her hand
and stroke her brow. You've used strong rhymes until now - the ago/brow doesn't work in my accent.
Her photograph is on the bed
propped on her pillow by my head.
How I cried last night for her
yet in each moment she is there.
A dream we made. Remember me.
And I do, my Hail Mary. The meter is lost in the last word of the last line. Not sure I like it.
tectak 2015
(any similarities to persons alive or dead etc)

I love the plaintive feel of the first part of the poem, with the repeats. I'm too anal I know - I want the whole poem to do this. For me the hybrid form lets it down.

All valid crit, merc. To admit this early on that the alternative, and lingua in maxillam, generic title is "Mouth Wash", may be a mistake. I am trying to write complex feelings using simple words.
I will adjust with every crit as a mouth cleansing experiment...to see if it get clearer or muddier.
Best,
tectak