Hail Mary

[just mercedes]

Mary died a week ago.
I can't let go.I can't let go.
I loved her when hair turned grey. Did you miss 'her' - should that be 'her hair'?
Like yesterday.Like yesterday.
I touched her hand and stroked her brow.
A memory now. A memory now.
We said goodbye and cried for you. 'Her' has become 'you'
Friends loved you, too, they loved you, too.
Alone now with your photograph.
I hear you laugh. I hear you laugh.
I sleep and hold the pillow tight. Do you really know what you do when you sleep?
Alone at  night. Alone at  night.
In chill dawn air I make  believe.
I hear you breathe. I hear you breathe.For some reason this really gets me
I doze beside you in the shade .
A dream we made. A dream we made. The transition from repeated lines feels too abrupt. Maybe it would work better if a new stanza began with the next line
Mary died a week ago
but still I see her hair of grey,
and touch her hand
and stroke her brow. You've used strong rhymes until now - the ago/brow doesn't work in my accent.
Her photograph is on the bed
propped on her pillow by my head.
How I cried last night for her
yet in each moment she is there.
A dream we made. Remember me.
And I do, my Hail Mary. The meter is lost in the last word of the last line. Not sure I like it.
tectak 2015
(any similarities to persons alive or dead etc)

I love the plaintive feel of the first part of the poem, with the repeats. I'm too anal I know - I want the whole poem to do this. For me the hybrid form lets it down.