05-05-2015, 10:34 PM
The first stanza was relatively clear I think, I got the sense of an unrequited love, or the subject of your affection does not love you back along with the destruction of that results.
However, I do agree with some of the comments above, that the direction of the poem definitely got lost as the stanzas move on.
lips, eyes and legs
as you lay before her (I sense that you are trying to paint an imagery here, but simply having a list just didn't seem very poetic)
I also got the feeling that you are trying to force some of the rhyming here, just the the repetitive using of "shame" and "tame"
The poem of quite repetitive overall, of the concept of giving name, shame, and worthless. I think there is a specific experience that you are trying describe here, maybe focus on more of the details of the experience, rather just than those vague feeling of that experience, that way it will resonate with the audience more... (I personally think)
However, I do agree with some of the comments above, that the direction of the poem definitely got lost as the stanzas move on.
lips, eyes and legs
as you lay before her (I sense that you are trying to paint an imagery here, but simply having a list just didn't seem very poetic)
I also got the feeling that you are trying to force some of the rhyming here, just the the repetitive using of "shame" and "tame"
The poem of quite repetitive overall, of the concept of giving name, shame, and worthless. I think there is a specific experience that you are trying describe here, maybe focus on more of the details of the experience, rather just than those vague feeling of that experience, that way it will resonate with the audience more... (I personally think)