05-05-2015, 12:50 PM
I may be totally off base, but given the title, and the nature of progression of the piece, I think that last line means that Natalie and the N were/are having an affair. I wonder though if it could be stated more clearly if that were the case. I did bias myself and read Anne's crits, and most of it I think she nailed on the head. On the two metaphors, I can see so many light-like choices...fireflies, quarks, stars...you've got a ton to work with. I personally love the use of declension, as it can describe anything plural that follows a strict pattern....birds do that.
If massunderstanding is intentional, I think it's too quirky for this piece. Disagree that you need spiraling on the trees...you say taller, not tall, and I believe that particular distinction means taller than before? Surely your eyes aren't scanning and only focusing on the ones that are taller...perhaps there is a clearer way to state this. Not sure.
As for the end, I don't know if I'm right...perhaps you meant that natalie wasn't listening to Paul, who knows. But why would she eavesdropping on this phone conversation?
ah well, it's late...may need to read a few more times to soak up the nuances.
love ya,
mel.
If massunderstanding is intentional, I think it's too quirky for this piece. Disagree that you need spiraling on the trees...you say taller, not tall, and I believe that particular distinction means taller than before? Surely your eyes aren't scanning and only focusing on the ones that are taller...perhaps there is a clearer way to state this. Not sure.
As for the end, I don't know if I'm right...perhaps you meant that natalie wasn't listening to Paul, who knows. But why would she eavesdropping on this phone conversation?
ah well, it's late...may need to read a few more times to soak up the nuances.
love ya,
mel.