05-05-2015, 10:49 AM
I am new to the pig pen, and I don't know much about poems.
Sounds in the hall,
the loud privacy of (liked the loud privacy, really clicked with me )
individual crisis.
I look out the window, the grass I haven't felt in days.
I am so extremely tired.
Exhausted. (I liked the period at each of them. The sensational imagery was quite clear)
Numb.
After a long time,
it seeps through my battered skin.
This really happened,
It happened.
It happened.
It happened. (idk, the repetition didn't really work for me. I personally would have taken out the it(s) at the last two lines , to create a sense of disorientation, and dizziness which seems to go with your poem )
I shake and shudder, salt crusting my cheeks.
The night I tried to die,
I got a new life. (I got a new life seems too affirmative for a person is in utter despair. maybe: someone shoved me a new life)
I don't think I like this one, either.
(I genuinely LOOOVED your ending. I thought the comma at the end was quite brilliant, the pause creates a kind of suspense, the ominous feeling as if the narrator is going to do it again. )
Sounds in the hall,
the loud privacy of (liked the loud privacy, really clicked with me )
individual crisis.
I look out the window, the grass I haven't felt in days.
I am so extremely tired.
Exhausted. (I liked the period at each of them. The sensational imagery was quite clear)
Numb.
After a long time,
it seeps through my battered skin.
This really happened,
It happened.
It happened.
It happened. (idk, the repetition didn't really work for me. I personally would have taken out the it(s) at the last two lines , to create a sense of disorientation, and dizziness which seems to go with your poem )
I shake and shudder, salt crusting my cheeks.
The night I tried to die,
I got a new life. (I got a new life seems too affirmative for a person is in utter despair. maybe: someone shoved me a new life)
I don't think I like this one, either.
(I genuinely LOOOVED your ending. I thought the comma at the end was quite brilliant, the pause creates a kind of suspense, the ominous feeling as if the narrator is going to do it again. )