The Wilderness of Your Mind

[ajaxthesmall]

The Wilderness of Your Mind

I'll repudiate proofs,
Trip up on truths,
And scour the field of your mind;
Amidst the grass so long,
And the sun so strong,
I'm sure somewhere,
what I seek,
I will find.

And whilst you peer
Through the reeds of reverie,
I will delve deeper.
Gone are the fields,
Here is the jungle.
Thick trunks with
Vivacious vines of past times,
Swirling around their branches
So wide, yet so benign,
Prevent my prying,
Cloud my conscience.
So many trees of thought -
So little time!

A sudden snap of a twig
Makes my stomach sick.
Could it be
A panther, preying in the mist
Of your mind,
Or a lion, ready to fight
For your lies,
Or a snake, slithering,
ready to bite.
Alas, it was nothing.
Still nothing,
To find.

As my hope
Wears thin,
My courage abates,
For the night draws near
And soon you might wake.
If you ever found out,
I'd be coloured conceit;
For Nothing is ever found,
No lies, no deceit.

hey!
i think i'm really mostly going to be repeating what others have been saying here, but i totally agree that this poem would be MUCH stronger if you cut it down. there is a lot of potential for a complicated tone here that i think you have yet to achieve, mainly (imo) due to the "bouncy" nature of the poem, as someone said. it might be the rhyme scheme or maybe just the fact that you have yet to cut the poem down. i would definitely start with taking lines out that are unnecessary. by that i mean lines that would not change the meaning of the poem if they didn't exist. it can be hard to see which lines to cut as the writer, i think, but if you read it out loud i think that will help a lot. there's a sort of limerick-y, dr. seuss type vibe to the rhyming right now that i think you should experience by reading aloud. the poem would be stronger without it.
thanks!
-ajax