communion

[Todd]

Hi Anne,

You mentioned this earlier: the poem is about a person coming to grips with their own shallowness (vanity, materialism, lack of religious education), so maybe removing the donut and all that self indulgence would take the meat out of the writing.

I'm going to keep that mind as I make some comments on this revision. I'm going to try to also press along thematic lines since you state your intent above. So, while a boat can be just a boat I'm going to try to trace your symbology a bit.

COMMUNION (revision 1)

The boat I’m in now, rocks --This could mean that your life is not firm and set. The speaker is feeling unsure. This would be a good opening line then
gently in the middle of Little Traverse Bay.--I question the use of most adverbs. They aren't always bad but they tend to be telling shorthand instead of drawing out the image. I'm not saying this is better but to illustrate this line could be "upon the small waves of Little Traverse Bay." Admittingly, you may not be worried about this as a metaphor for the speaker's life but gently implies one thing small waves might suggest relatively small struggles.
With sun rays blurring my vision,--This could be coming to grips with truth or revelation
red kayaks on the shore look like
roses in planter boxes --outside of it simply being a color what could roses represent are they simply atmospheric detail or do they tie back to theme. No issue either way, but things tend to be stronger when they connect thematically.
on the church porch earlier.--at present this just seems to be here to turn the speaker's mind back to the church service, again no issue

After swallowing the wafer and wine,
I had knelt at the altar and prayed.
Tears filled my eyes when I realized
lack of faith had me doubting
my sins of vanity and materialism
would be forgiven.--These four lines are just stating a fact. There needs to be more poetic elements here. Perhaps unpacking the specific vanity or the specific act of materialism would help.

I put on my sunglasses
and see the far-off diehard cyclists--even if far-off is true it adds little. It should probably be cut. The issue is the comparison below.
with chiseled waists and thighs,
then glance down at my own tummy
and try to accept what fudge and age
have done to my figure.--This again is pretty direct reportage. Is there a way you can get to your point without laying it out so flatly. Or is there a way you can spice up the diction.

A wave laps into the boat
drenching my home decorating magazine
as if the water overheard the minister’s lesson
and was reiterating it.
A gorgeous house on the outside
can still hold mold on the inside.  

The next wave rocking the boat
slaps me in the face
as if to say, “Wake up.”
The morning sacrament was a reminder
of the greatest sacrifice and loss,
and to accept what was offered.

To help me forgive myself,
I look outward
at the deep-rooted shoreline trees,
fish weaving through transparency,
sunlight in the blue,
the kingdom, the power, the glory.

*

Those are my thoughts for this revision. I hope some of it helps.

Best,

Todd