05-04-2015, 12:56 PM
Thanks for the feedback!
Full on revision: Title change, reduced lines, reworded a few bits. The most blatant examples of syntax weirdness I was presented with were in the first two stanzas, so most of the major changes were done there. I can't think of any more ways to reduce them commas at the moment, so there (the commas, I think, give stops to certain lines that really work, makes the lines sound staggered and afraid, especially in the later two stanzas, but I dunno). The line breaks, however, don't seem that unnatural to me, at least in the new edit -- care to elaborate?
I don't think that's too much, Erthona -- I'm not sure I can respond to your critique that it doesn't exactly bring anything new, since I'm not sure I'm well-read enough on this subject to know whether what I'm doing is new or not in the first place. If you were talking about my syntax weirdness, though, I suppose that's less a problem of this one work, and more a problem of my own in general; heck, even my prose and general conversation has crazy syntax, says a lot of my friends. Finally, I love the phrase "plethora of commas" -- poetry for fun idea?
EDIT: Quick note: title change still temporary. That's night--well, what Erthona suggested, but in Latin. I was gonna go for something Greek earlier, but after seeing what he suggested, I compromised.
Full on revision: Title change, reduced lines, reworded a few bits. The most blatant examples of syntax weirdness I was presented with were in the first two stanzas, so most of the major changes were done there. I can't think of any more ways to reduce them commas at the moment, so there (the commas, I think, give stops to certain lines that really work, makes the lines sound staggered and afraid, especially in the later two stanzas, but I dunno). The line breaks, however, don't seem that unnatural to me, at least in the new edit -- care to elaborate?
I don't think that's too much, Erthona -- I'm not sure I can respond to your critique that it doesn't exactly bring anything new, since I'm not sure I'm well-read enough on this subject to know whether what I'm doing is new or not in the first place. If you were talking about my syntax weirdness, though, I suppose that's less a problem of this one work, and more a problem of my own in general; heck, even my prose and general conversation has crazy syntax, says a lot of my friends. Finally, I love the phrase "plethora of commas" -- poetry for fun idea?
EDIT: Quick note: title change still temporary. That's night--well, what Erthona suggested, but in Latin. I was gonna go for something Greek earlier, but after seeing what he suggested, I compromised.