New Life, No Better

[rayheinrich]

Sounds in the hall,
the loud privacy of <- I love 'loud privacy'
individual crisis. <- 'individual crisis' is overused, why not just 'crisis' or a synonym
I look out the window, the grass I haven't felt in days.
I am so extremely tired.  <- 'extremely' isn't necessary, too many modifiers (adj, adverb, etc.)
                                  actually decrease the intensity
Exhausted.
Numb.
After a long time, <- not necessary
it seeps through my battered skin. <- same with 'battered'
This really happened,
It happened.
It happened.
It happened. <- this repetition works, don't let anyone tell you different
I shake and shudder, salt crusting my cheeks. <- again, a bit too much any one of the 3 is ok, but not all 3

The night I tried to die,
I got a new life.

I don't think I like this one, either. <- these last three lines, esp. end one are quite wonderful