on the complexities of a hillbilly

[Todd]

Hi ajaxthesmall,

If this is your first time writing a poem, you're doing well. This is loads better than anything I initially wrote. That said, here are some comments for you.

One thing you're doing well is your making concrete specific choices. At this point, the first pass should be to ask yourself what matters? What can you pare down? What can you condense? I'll give you a couple of examples to get started.

(hey guys. this is my first time doing this so help would be much appreciated!)


she boards the bus with a suitcase
full of broken earrings,
torn stockings,
and kitchen knives.
she sits at the front,
does not cross her legs,
uses both armrests when she sits down. She's already sitting down two lines up.
she looks at the bus driver with Her eyes are pilot light blue --Why does it matter if she looks at the bus driver don't shift the focus
under glasses she can’t afford, --This line emphases step two. You need to find ways to make the list of stuff become more than a flat list. It needs to mean something. You do that here. Read Ted Kooser's Abandoned Farmhouse if you'd like an example.
slipped into the back pocket of her jeans in the Walgreens bathroom stall,--Watch your line lengths try to stay more uniform. 
along with something for those headaches she keeps getting
from the ugly brown tap water she drinks.
she is full of dust and cold wind,
her hair smells like wheat grass and exhaust.--As this is novice, I'll end with this comment look for times where you can cut her or she without killing the flow or meaning. This line could do that for instance.  
she has weaponized her accent.
she is from somewhere haunted,
somewhere with hotels built
on bulldozed graves.
on the soles of her shoes she has coal
and gasoline
and blood,
and it is not hers.
she has mountains under her fingernails,
she plays clawhammer banjo,
her teeth ache
from the number of times she has swallowed the word “stupid”.
she is tired of your shit.

It's a good start. This has a nice amount of potential.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd