05-02-2015, 07:04 AM
If you want something new for a title here are a few:
nightfall
dusk
eventide
nightfall
the days decline (mine)
shadow time (mine)
pitch-black
a stygian night
the murky twilight (mine)
Although my favorite would be "Night Terrors"
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Your line breaks do not seem natural and why the plethora of commas? Also your playing around with the syntax does not seem to accomplish whatever it is you want it to accomplish. Example:
"My breaths, I slow down, I steady, I keep soft" why not: I slow down and steady my breathing to keep it soft.
A slightly differently twist: "I don't want to break the ice and drown, get swallowed whole." Why does this need the further explanation of "getting swallowed whole?" It is simply extraneous and adds nothing to the line. Yes I know it appears later, but the connection is so tenuous as to be non-existent. Plus if you must have it at least throw a semi colon in there instead of the comma.
Does making this more difficult to read somehow make it better? It is true that sometimes one must be lead through seeming incoherency to see something new and unsuspected, however this is not one of those time. I suspect this could be told fairly straightforward and not loose a thing, except its current muddiness. Sorry, I see no rational to justify going outside of the norm, if I am wrong I will be happy to concede. But what have you brought to this discussion that is new and not simply a rehash of something that has been said many times before.
Well, as this is mild, I've probably already said to much. Well you can always ignore what you don't like.
Dale
nightfall
dusk
eventide
nightfall
the days decline (mine)
shadow time (mine)
pitch-black
a stygian night
the murky twilight (mine)
Although my favorite would be "Night Terrors"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Your line breaks do not seem natural and why the plethora of commas? Also your playing around with the syntax does not seem to accomplish whatever it is you want it to accomplish. Example:
"My breaths, I slow down, I steady, I keep soft" why not: I slow down and steady my breathing to keep it soft.
A slightly differently twist: "I don't want to break the ice and drown, get swallowed whole." Why does this need the further explanation of "getting swallowed whole?" It is simply extraneous and adds nothing to the line. Yes I know it appears later, but the connection is so tenuous as to be non-existent. Plus if you must have it at least throw a semi colon in there instead of the comma.
Does making this more difficult to read somehow make it better? It is true that sometimes one must be lead through seeming incoherency to see something new and unsuspected, however this is not one of those time. I suspect this could be told fairly straightforward and not loose a thing, except its current muddiness. Sorry, I see no rational to justify going outside of the norm, if I am wrong I will be happy to concede. But what have you brought to this discussion that is new and not simply a rehash of something that has been said many times before.
Well, as this is mild, I've probably already said to much. Well you can always ignore what you don't like.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.