nests

[Todd]

Hi Anne,

We're now entered into the part of revision that is mostly personal style and subjectivity. So, take this in that vein. I read through the other critiques. I see what Ella is saying about arias--seems valid, more of a solo than a chorus whether they allow plural or not. Tom (tectak) gave some good feedback as well. I hear what you're saying traditional subject matter and enjambment. That all said, my style preferences (and that's all they are) point me in a different direction than you're going. I felt there was more of a spark in the earlier version--even if you made some changes. I want to emphasize again that what you've done isn't worse per se, just less to my taste. Let me give you a few minor comments in the lines.

Best,

Todd

Hi all - Thank you for the objective comments. I tried to incorporate them into the revisions. I went back to more traditional linebreaks rather than use serious enjambment since this is fairly traditional subject matter. Also, I felt introducing tulips at the end was going way off topic, thus the switch. And I felt the birds motion had to include diving or swooping to foreshadow plucking pieces from the trash. There could be a comma instead separating s2 and s3 so that they become one connected thought with anaphora putting the point across better---that all this happens before the weather warms up. "Above" could be "over". I also tried to better connect the idea of the poem with the ending. Hope it works better. I'll edit this more if it's still not working properly.

NESTS
When your home backs up onto an alley
and the flowering trees are bare,
you can’t help but notice dumpsters
are a hardware store for the residents birds.--don't think you need the "the"

Above the rot, they flutter and dive,
a flurry of life throughout the dead cold of winter,
before the last persistent ice finally melts
onto the warming asphalt.

Before green pokes through new road cracks,
their beaks pluck loose burlap and twine,
the warp and weft woven into evergreens
across from second story windows.

While we’re cooped up indoors,
we warm and feather our nests too,
scavenge stores and flea markets for linen bed sheets,
down-filled couches, vintage mirrors.

Now that crabapple blossoms screen the alley view,
we open windows, emerge
from our comfort zone and harmonize outdoors--comfort zone is a bit overused, and I think this lacks the build up you need for a sense of epiphany.
with the birds' joyful concert.

Whichever way you go, this is close to pulled together so there isn't much that I see structural wrong. Nothing is ever truly finished, but this feels closer to what it will be.