Prophetic and useless

[Todd]

Hi Jesstice,

I think this poem would benefit from more imagery. For instance:

shame is my name
humble and tame

Can you think of a way to show the reader these ideas of shame, humility and tameness with a picture? I don't want to fix anything in your mind by using these lines as an example. Here are a few similes to illustrate what I'm getting at:

Lonely

Wordsworth, "I wandered lonely as a cloud" The image enhances the idea of loneliness.

Beautiful

Byron, "She walks in beauty like the night"

Expensive

For a more direct comparison with a metaphor, let's use Groucho Marx, "A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." 

Telling the reader characteristics is never as powerful as showing them these characteristics through imagery.

Just something to consider.

Best,

Todd

If I took care of myself the way I care for you
I wouldn't be crying right now
If you loved yourself the way that I do
You wouldn't be dying right now
shame is my name
humble and tame
lips, eyes and legs
as you lay before her
shamed and estranged
she gave you her name
worthless and blamed
you lie for her
lifeless and lame
you gave her your name
strife which you crave
as you die before her