05-01-2015, 05:26 AM
hey there,
i read your edit first, which i think was a mistake on my part. your edit is much, much better than your original and i think it would have been more exciting to watch it grown rather than do it in reverse. so it's a bit harder for me to comment on your edit since i did it this way.
however,
i really think you did a fantastic job of making this more...lyrical. there are images of breezes and fields of reeds and the way this poem reads now is much better suited to those images. the languages itself resembles them more.
there is one and only one thing that i think you did better in the original, and that is the line "we ride to Tennessee."
i absolutely loved that line and i was sad to see it go. the "distant place" takes all the personal feel out of the line, i'm suddenly pulled back to my computer where before i was there with you.
the "faster than a speeding bullet" thing still feels cheesy to me. i think something along the lines of simply saying "i pedal fast" works just as well , since this isn't the type of poem to dance around images. you get straight to them. for example, the kit kat line is one of my favorites in this poem. i admire how easily you evoke simple, emotional images. so the cheesiness of the speeding bullet line sort of undercuts that stuff for me.
also, i was immediately drawn in by the title. love it.
good job
-ajax
i read your edit first, which i think was a mistake on my part. your edit is much, much better than your original and i think it would have been more exciting to watch it grown rather than do it in reverse. so it's a bit harder for me to comment on your edit since i did it this way.
however,
i really think you did a fantastic job of making this more...lyrical. there are images of breezes and fields of reeds and the way this poem reads now is much better suited to those images. the languages itself resembles them more.
there is one and only one thing that i think you did better in the original, and that is the line "we ride to Tennessee."
i absolutely loved that line and i was sad to see it go. the "distant place" takes all the personal feel out of the line, i'm suddenly pulled back to my computer where before i was there with you.
the "faster than a speeding bullet" thing still feels cheesy to me. i think something along the lines of simply saying "i pedal fast" works just as well , since this isn't the type of poem to dance around images. you get straight to them. for example, the kit kat line is one of my favorites in this poem. i admire how easily you evoke simple, emotional images. so the cheesiness of the speeding bullet line sort of undercuts that stuff for me.
also, i was immediately drawn in by the title. love it.
good job
-ajax