05-01-2015, 05:04 AM
hey there, this is my first comment or post of any sort here so feel free to disregard.
anyway, i really enjoy your last stanza the most. there's an easiness to it that i don't feel from the others, as if you've finally settled into yourself there. it feels less stilted than the other stanzas.
in terms of the first and second ones (the ones i would choose to critique the most), they just feel a bit ... overcommitted. like you're trying way too hard to stick with the rhyme and rhythm and are sacrificing content in the process. maybe try writing down this feeling in the simplest, most honest way possible, and then work backwards from there to fit the rhyme and rhythm back in. right now it doesn't seem genuine. feels sort of robotic and awkward.
but i enjoy some of the images here, ("to creep out from your leftmost brain" is nice) and there's a certain amount of humor and personality that i think you should capitalize on (i really actually like the "and you run fast as hell" part of the first stanza, it just sounds sort of strangled by the end of that stanza.) put more of yourself into it, i think this poem should be personal for you and at the moment it doesn't feel that way.
thanks for posting!
-ajax
anyway, i really enjoy your last stanza the most. there's an easiness to it that i don't feel from the others, as if you've finally settled into yourself there. it feels less stilted than the other stanzas.
in terms of the first and second ones (the ones i would choose to critique the most), they just feel a bit ... overcommitted. like you're trying way too hard to stick with the rhyme and rhythm and are sacrificing content in the process. maybe try writing down this feeling in the simplest, most honest way possible, and then work backwards from there to fit the rhyme and rhythm back in. right now it doesn't seem genuine. feels sort of robotic and awkward.
but i enjoy some of the images here, ("to creep out from your leftmost brain" is nice) and there's a certain amount of humor and personality that i think you should capitalize on (i really actually like the "and you run fast as hell" part of the first stanza, it just sounds sort of strangled by the end of that stanza.) put more of yourself into it, i think this poem should be personal for you and at the moment it doesn't feel that way.
thanks for posting!
-ajax