05-01-2015, 01:56 AM
Wonderful job on the edit Anne. I think the original crits you received were spot on. But better than that, you addressed them with energy and focus. It can be all too easy for the entire web to collapse once you start making changes.
Lines 1,2,4,5,8,11,13,15,17 and 20 are all improved IMO. To me that's a comprehensive first edit to a poem that was already strong.
A couple little things:
--Strophe 3 is a little awkward. It trips me a little as I need to go back and confirm it's a complete sentence. (I think Todd offered some advice on it)
--Still unsure abut the line break at "gray/cracks"
--I think you could chop "antique" in S4. - small personal nit. - I think "antique" is just slightly off your intent with its connotation. -
Well done,
Paul
Lines 1,2,4,5,8,11,13,15,17 and 20 are all improved IMO. To me that's a comprehensive first edit to a poem that was already strong.
A couple little things:
--Strophe 3 is a little awkward. It trips me a little as I need to go back and confirm it's a complete sentence. (I think Todd offered some advice on it)
--Still unsure abut the line break at "gray/cracks"
--I think you could chop "antique" in S4. - small personal nit. - I think "antique" is just slightly off your intent with its connotation. -
Well done,
Paul