The Schism of Word and Number (Revision)

[Todd]

Well Thank you, Anne, very nice of you. I'm coming to the end of NaPM, and should probably revisit some of these pieces that are likely 40-50 revisions away from what I want them to be. As I reply, realize that everything is on the table to cut, and while I may explain what I was going for I'm not implying that the execution is where it needs to be. I do appreciate your comments and will try to engage with them below.

Todd – I went through, looking for a poem of yours to comment on because you so generously helped me with mine (not that I’ll be any help to you, as your writing and powers of observation are keen and precise).  But I’ll try to at least offer up what I take away from your poem.

In the beginning was the word,
and the word was not the number. (Since you switch from “the” throughout the poem, could you use “a number” or “numbers” here?) --I hear what your saying, the only reason I thought to keep the in was to mirror John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God.

The tree was also not a tree
with fruit blossoming
in metaphor. This was the way
of the word. It craved nuance.

The sun was light, and chariot, and unfolding flower, (see, here you could use “the light.”  I’m unclear how chariot and flower are metaphors for the sun - light and spark, I get)--yeah, when I first did this as an early draft I may have over flourished here. I think tightening it up might be better. Chariot was Greek myth, Flower probably was a nod to Louise Gluck's The Red Poppy (though who knows with me). I think your right. I'll probably condense this into one image: "The sun was a spark blown from the lips of God"
a spark blown from the lips of God.
The distant moon, a veiled woman dancing
from her husband.  (“from” or “with”? “From” implies a lot and we ask ourselves why?  Were the moon and sun ever together enough to part?)--For me, its definitely a from, because I'm trying to set up the dichotomy between light/dark, word/number, and trying to follow the idea of He separated light from darkness giving one body to govern the day and another the night. There are other reasons but I won't bore you with the minutia of it.

The animals would speak their names (whose names? – sun and moon I presume, otherwise use “own names ”)--That might be confusing yes. I might add "own" or restructure this some.
to rejoice in each syllable (“and” rejoice?)--and is better than to. Good catch
Giraffe was like the brook's happy gurgle. (but the animals are speaking the names – now the word “giraffe” is coming from the brook)--I may have to include "sound of" in front of brook's for clarity.
Snake was as shadows at dusk. (this stanza is a bit confusing because it goes from speaking actual names to metaphor in the last line) --I see what you mean. I may step away from more of a pre-fall Narnia here and simply adapt the lines to be like the snake line and change the focus a little just allowing word to add the nuance without speaking occurring--hope that ramble even slightly makes sense. This will require some thought.

Sin had not been defined. (yes)
The world was without census.

Or in the beginning was the null set. (do you need “or”?)--I think I do, but maybe I'm not giving the reader enough credit in the transition.
Creation an equation
solved in 518,400 seconds
consisting of 332 perfect variables.

There was one then two,
addition became multiplication, (nice)
until the day of the first subtraction; (is this about Cain and Abel – first death?)--Yes it is.
when an asset was marked
as a liability in the Holy Ledger.
Sin was a tally beyond counting. [b](nice)[/b]

The number can neither love
nor hate the word.[b] (nice)[/b]
The word cannot abide the number.
They are parallel lines,
of orthodoxy and heresy (do you need this line?  I’m not sure this is true.  Sin is sin and everyone does it.)--I fully get your point. I wasn't thinking sin here I was more thinking interpretive styles and approach to living. That said, I think might cut the line anyway because it probably isn't necessary.
stretching beyond the call
of the final trumpet.

World without end.  [b](I love this)[/b]
Q.E.D.

Anne, thank you again. I appreciate your time and observations. I tend to be slow in revision, but I will definitely consider your comments when I sit down to do the work.

Much Appreciated.


Best,


Todd