04-30-2015, 12:24 AM
Hi Anne,
Here are my comments on the revision:
NESTS
Outside the back window, across the alley,--I know you’re considering your opening so I’ll pass on commenting redundantly.
the food co-op’s dumpsters,
are a regular hardware store
for the local birds.—you can cut “the”
Above the rot, birds ascend and rise,--maybe swoop and rise. As your two words are essentially the same.
a flurry of life throughout the dead—nice antithesis and good break on dead
cold of winter, before the last ice
finally melts onto the asphalt. –much cleaner
Before green pokes through gray—I like this construction because gray seems to stand for the season when you break like this. I realize it’s a preference of mine.
cement, beaks pluck loose burlap and twine,--I read, I think it was milo’s comment, on isn’t cement gray, and considered your question on is cracks necessary. I think this break fixes for me at least the redundancy of gray cement only because it shifts what gray is for the reader. I don’t think cracks is needed because I think pokes accomplishes that idea for you.
the warp and weft woven into arborvitaes
across from second story windows.
We warm and feather our homes too,
scavenge stores and farm-field antique markets—I gave some ideas in the above answers to questions.
for Egyptian cotton bed sheets, down-filled couches, --down-filled works better for me.
vintage mirrors.
Now that the tree blossoms block the alley—Now that I’ve read this. I’m in a bit of a quandary. I like flowering crabapple better in the abstract, but I like the clean reading of this line better than how you laid it out the original. I see a few words you can cut. Maybe “Now crabapple blossoms block the alley”
view, we open windows, peek out and notice—On your build to concert I’m not sure I like peek out. This is purely subjective. My opinion here is only that. I simply want more of a rise in tempo.
the tulips breaking ground, smell the spring air—There should probably be an emotional sense built into these two events. It would have to be very tightly constructed. How can you infuse the tulips and the spring air either together or separately into something with more emotional punch? Smell is usually tied to memory. Is there some outcome that the smell could evoke? Possibly even extend the concert imagery here.
and join in concert with the birds chirping.—I keep wanting a little more hear, to illustrate (and this may not be a good choice I’m not sure): and join in concert with the birds chirping in joyful arias. Just thinking out loud here. You may not need to change this line at all though if you can infuse the penultimate line with something more.
I think this is improved.
Best,
Todd
Here are my comments on the revision:
NESTS
Outside the back window, across the alley,--I know you’re considering your opening so I’ll pass on commenting redundantly.
the food co-op’s dumpsters,
are a regular hardware store
for the local birds.—you can cut “the”
Above the rot, birds ascend and rise,--maybe swoop and rise. As your two words are essentially the same.
a flurry of life throughout the dead—nice antithesis and good break on dead
cold of winter, before the last ice
finally melts onto the asphalt. –much cleaner
Before green pokes through gray—I like this construction because gray seems to stand for the season when you break like this. I realize it’s a preference of mine.
cement, beaks pluck loose burlap and twine,--I read, I think it was milo’s comment, on isn’t cement gray, and considered your question on is cracks necessary. I think this break fixes for me at least the redundancy of gray cement only because it shifts what gray is for the reader. I don’t think cracks is needed because I think pokes accomplishes that idea for you.
the warp and weft woven into arborvitaes
across from second story windows.
We warm and feather our homes too,
scavenge stores and farm-field antique markets—I gave some ideas in the above answers to questions.
for Egyptian cotton bed sheets, down-filled couches, --down-filled works better for me.
vintage mirrors.
Now that the tree blossoms block the alley—Now that I’ve read this. I’m in a bit of a quandary. I like flowering crabapple better in the abstract, but I like the clean reading of this line better than how you laid it out the original. I see a few words you can cut. Maybe “Now crabapple blossoms block the alley”
view, we open windows, peek out and notice—On your build to concert I’m not sure I like peek out. This is purely subjective. My opinion here is only that. I simply want more of a rise in tempo.
the tulips breaking ground, smell the spring air—There should probably be an emotional sense built into these two events. It would have to be very tightly constructed. How can you infuse the tulips and the spring air either together or separately into something with more emotional punch? Smell is usually tied to memory. Is there some outcome that the smell could evoke? Possibly even extend the concert imagery here.
and join in concert with the birds chirping.—I keep wanting a little more hear, to illustrate (and this may not be a good choice I’m not sure): and join in concert with the birds chirping in joyful arias. Just thinking out loud here. You may not need to change this line at all though if you can infuse the penultimate line with something more.
I think this is improved.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson