04-29-2015, 11:34 PM
That's pretty good. Crisp, clean, and vivid, with pretty much the same sentiments as above. Change "strange man" to "stranger", though, to give the first line the same rhythm as the last; and, yeah, move "on the street" to the first, because it's a bit of a bother to the poem's flow in its current place, and make the whole a full sentence: give it a full stop, and the next line, you capitalize.
Nitpicking: "dark jeans" also sort of bothers me, because it doesn't have the same soft end as its fellows in your list; its sharp sound highlights its image, but I'm guessing "your cologne" is the real kicker there. Either give "dark jeans" a softer sound, or maybe harden the sound of its fellows besides "and your cologne".
Nitpicking: "dark jeans" also sort of bothers me, because it doesn't have the same soft end as its fellows in your list; its sharp sound highlights its image, but I'm guessing "your cologne" is the real kicker there. Either give "dark jeans" a softer sound, or maybe harden the sound of its fellows besides "and your cologne".