04-29-2015, 10:43 PM
Hi gingerquiet,
Welcome to the site! My initial impressions are good. This has a nice tight focus, doesn't ramble. I would never have the patience to put all the spacing in, but it gives me the impression of what's happening with someone walking by.
The title is perfect in that it makes the reader reverse the description for the man not being observed.
I think on the street needs to be moved up to the first line. I realize you want a visual symmetry, but I think it doesn't deserve its own line, and it detracts from the man. I would also put a period after street and capitalize He.
The last two lines were satisfying. They had a real punch to them and provided an emotional context to the observation.
I enjoyed the economy of the poem, and the crisp specific detail was very nicely used.
I didn't have much in the way of suggestions, but I hope some of this helped.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the site! My initial impressions are good. This has a nice tight focus, doesn't ramble. I would never have the patience to put all the spacing in, but it gives me the impression of what's happening with someone walking by.
The title is perfect in that it makes the reader reverse the description for the man not being observed.
I think on the street needs to be moved up to the first line. I realize you want a visual symmetry, but I think it doesn't deserve its own line, and it detracts from the man. I would also put a period after street and capitalize He.
The last two lines were satisfying. They had a real punch to them and provided an emotional context to the observation.
I enjoyed the economy of the poem, and the crisp specific detail was very nicely used.
I didn't have much in the way of suggestions, but I hope some of this helped.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson