04-29-2015, 01:57 PM
You run the racetrack round my mind,
and you run fast as hell.
You visit me, you bless my dreams,
but I guess you can't tell.
To verbalize, to do and die,
I'll f--k this up right quick...
If I don't say, there's no someday.
One feeling I can't trick.
To creep out from your leftmost brain,
to burrow in the right.
I crave your touch throughout the day
but wouldn't mind the night.
I guess I might, today, or not.
Please help me from above.
My tongue will twist. And die. And rot.
Just please don't say it's love.
Cause if it is.... F--k me, I wish I was simple
In the first stanza, I'm distracted from the content of the poem by the use of 'and' and 'but' to start the second and forth lines. Conjunctions at the beginning of lines aren't necessarily a bad thing, but with the way they're visually stacked on top of each other makes it difficult for me to dig into the start of the poem. Once I'm able to make my eyes focus past the initial "what am I looking at here" though, I think the content is solid. I'd suggest maybe starting line two with a descriptive verb to break it up a bit.
I really enjoy the third stanza, especially the concept of moving from one side of a person's brain to the other. It subtly suggests a strong desire by the narrator to foster creativity, and therefore passion, in their subject, and those lines combined with the physically focused third and forth lines makes the depth of the narrator's wishes feel more encompassing.
The only part of the poem I guess I don't 'get' (a term I personally hate, but I'm not sure how else to describe my confusion here) is the "I wish I was simple" after the last line's "F--k me". I get that the narrator wishes they were a simpler person in terms of how they are analyzing their situation, but I don't get the impression from the rest of the poem that the narrator is heavily analyzing the situation...instead I have the idea that they already know what they could or could not do (speak vs. not speak to the object of their desire) and are indecisive about what they should do.
and you run fast as hell.
You visit me, you bless my dreams,
but I guess you can't tell.
To verbalize, to do and die,
I'll f--k this up right quick...
If I don't say, there's no someday.
One feeling I can't trick.
To creep out from your leftmost brain,
to burrow in the right.
I crave your touch throughout the day
but wouldn't mind the night.
I guess I might, today, or not.
Please help me from above.
My tongue will twist. And die. And rot.
Just please don't say it's love.
Cause if it is.... F--k me, I wish I was simple
In the first stanza, I'm distracted from the content of the poem by the use of 'and' and 'but' to start the second and forth lines. Conjunctions at the beginning of lines aren't necessarily a bad thing, but with the way they're visually stacked on top of each other makes it difficult for me to dig into the start of the poem. Once I'm able to make my eyes focus past the initial "what am I looking at here" though, I think the content is solid. I'd suggest maybe starting line two with a descriptive verb to break it up a bit.
I really enjoy the third stanza, especially the concept of moving from one side of a person's brain to the other. It subtly suggests a strong desire by the narrator to foster creativity, and therefore passion, in their subject, and those lines combined with the physically focused third and forth lines makes the depth of the narrator's wishes feel more encompassing.
The only part of the poem I guess I don't 'get' (a term I personally hate, but I'm not sure how else to describe my confusion here) is the "I wish I was simple" after the last line's "F--k me". I get that the narrator wishes they were a simpler person in terms of how they are analyzing their situation, but I don't get the impression from the rest of the poem that the narrator is heavily analyzing the situation...instead I have the idea that they already know what they could or could not do (speak vs. not speak to the object of their desire) and are indecisive about what they should do.