04-28-2015, 09:59 PM
(01-19-2015, 03:45 PM)ellz483 Wrote: Like paper lanterns in the sky
Shining against the dark of night,
So glow your eyes in the pale moonlight--- I love the rhythm and the creamy mouthfeel of these three lines. They ARE a bit wordy, yes, especially with "the dark of night" and the somehow-cliched "your eyes in the pale moonlight", but I'm a sucker for that sort thing. The imagery is beautiful, though -- change the wording of the later two lines, sure, but do not, je repete, DO NOT change the imagery. Anyway--
Wide and wise and tinged with melancholy. "Tinged with melancholy" is an equally sweet phrase, sure, but it's also a jarring change of rhythm. I don't think you really need to change this, though.
Your lashes hang low like branches heavy with sweet peaches Too long, compared to the earlier -- could definitely be shortened. "Your lashes are branches hanging low, / heavy with fruit. I reach...." or something.
And I reach my fingers out to tug them Something's a bit off with the wording here.
As I swim in the pools of those green irises. Also here -- to swim in pools of green while reaching for fruits is too heady a combination of images for me. And perhaps making this four lines, as per the earlier, would not be too much of a stretch? The sudden shortening somehow feels like a deficiency in the writer's capacity to write this in as full a way.
I try to walk away, to disengage from your gaze, Nice play with the "ay"sounds here, but the sudden disappearance of the vivid metaphors feels kind of disappointing.
But I know they will haunt me, ever watching--- This is a mostly empty thought, since the line is itself made of filler words -- the only original phrases here are "they will haunt" and "watching", and they mean pretty much the same thing.
Fixed on and pricking the back of my neck, I love this, although this could be worded better -- possibly fused to the earlier line?
But I let them simmer. As much as the sudden shortening here is a good, clean punch, this could be worded much more sensually, as in the preceding line -- or perhaps absorbed by it. And the closeness of the two buts here sounds awkward -- they don't even seem necessary anyway.
Their weight burns on my shoulders until I cannot bear it anymore This line is once again too heavy and wordy, as in the first line of the second stanza. And though "burns on my shoulders" sounds fair, I can't help but feel that going with the cliche there would work better.
Then finally, I tremble as I turn to meet them with my own
Tear-soaked eyes. No, the sudden shortening here doesn't give up anything. We know they're gonna be met by eyes, and the modifier here bears pretty much no significance to what meaning I can easily read. Not a good cut, methinks -- best to fuse the earlier line with this one.
Because I know they know
Without seeing, but rather by groping for the parts of my soul Too long again.
I keep buried deep in that battle-worn chest that beats This could be much more vivid if you played with yet another image here! The images of before are already very strong, the poem's still quite far away from the conclusion, and a lot of the ideas here are really just plays on cliches -- I don't get why the earlier poesy, with all those metaphors and what not, are here discarded.
Somewhere just south of my chest. Redundant or contradictory -- the soul is in the chest, so how could it beat away from it?
Because I'm scared of surrender,
And the white flag I would once have waved
Is yellowed and tattered with age and experience. I like the return to the metaphors here, but again, this whole stanza could be worded better.
Because I'm not sure how to---
Let go. Ech, the line-break is already enough to give tension: you don't have to lampshade it with an em dash. And with the less metaphorical portions of the poem preceding this stanza, this stanza just feels unnecessary.
But most of all
Because I know your eyes
will peer into mine
and turn my stony heart into mush
and render me helplessly in love. Sweet, but somehow empty, especially with the earlier pointed line, and with the subject being a burned-out topic -- I especially dislike the, for me, botched attempt at making this more novel with the indentations. Read aloud, the indentations mean nothing -- read quietly, they only bother the eyes, and bore the already expectant mind. This whole stanza could just be removed, I'm guessing.