04-28-2015, 08:37 AM
I think you could find a better rhymes in stanza 2 - "quick" and "trick", "trick" seems rather forced and unnatural to the poem, perhaps different word choice would help.
How about switching around the third stanza and changing it up a bit?
"I crave your touch throughout the day,
Even more so by night;
To creep out from inside your brain,
To move from left to right."
I'm not sure, it's just a thought about how you could change that stanza around a bit. For me, the 'leftmost brain to the right' bit didn't really make much sense.
I really enjoyed the first stanza and the last, the final stanza sounds particularly excellent read aloud.
Good work mate
How about switching around the third stanza and changing it up a bit?
"I crave your touch throughout the day,
Even more so by night;
To creep out from inside your brain,
To move from left to right."
I'm not sure, it's just a thought about how you could change that stanza around a bit. For me, the 'leftmost brain to the right' bit didn't really make much sense.
I really enjoyed the first stanza and the last, the final stanza sounds particularly excellent read aloud.
Good work mate