04-28-2015, 04:21 AM
I don't think the second person really works here, I would try the 1st or 3rd person. either one would cause the poem to have a greater impact to have greater impact than 2nd person.
Can we please stop randomly capitalizing the start of lines when they should not be.
"Your whole body screams to have them back." Who or what is "them"? How can one want them back, when no mention has been made of them being taken away?
"You are about to
explode
with want and longing and need."
Which sentence makes more sense: I am about to explode with want. I am about to explode with desire. Check out the definitions of the two words.
"You can feel your fingernails in your arm" - this appears to the reader as present tense, as though it is currently happening, causing confusion as the rest of the sentence unfolds.
There is much more but as this is in mild I will stop here.
Dale
Can we please stop randomly capitalizing the start of lines when they should not be.
"Your whole body screams to have them back." Who or what is "them"? How can one want them back, when no mention has been made of them being taken away?
"You are about to
explode
with want and longing and need."
Which sentence makes more sense: I am about to explode with want. I am about to explode with desire. Check out the definitions of the two words.
"You can feel your fingernails in your arm" - this appears to the reader as present tense, as though it is currently happening, causing confusion as the rest of the sentence unfolds.
There is much more but as this is in mild I will stop here.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.