04-26-2015, 12:49 AM
At the risk of sounding trite and generic, let me say I thought this was pretty brilliant.
Your words evoke a strong imagery in my mind's eye of alcohol fuelled grief and confusion at being "dumped".
Not sure I agree with Ellz483's assessment of the fourth verse. For me it is a vital closer after the sequence of the first three verses on what heartbreak sounds ,tastes and feels like.
For me the fourth verse is the closing credits in the movie. I visualise mascara streaked cheeks in the harsh light of the toilet: "crying your name between painful heaves, forehead leaning against the porcelain," says it beautifully.
I also like the way you use the flood of memories to add to the protagonist's confusion: What did I do wrong? What should I have read into all these things to see this coming?
A very minor suggestion: Verse 2 line 4: I think you meant "eye watering" rather than "eye water". Suspect its just a typo you may want to consider.
-Psyve
Your words evoke a strong imagery in my mind's eye of alcohol fuelled grief and confusion at being "dumped".
Not sure I agree with Ellz483's assessment of the fourth verse. For me it is a vital closer after the sequence of the first three verses on what heartbreak sounds ,tastes and feels like.
For me the fourth verse is the closing credits in the movie. I visualise mascara streaked cheeks in the harsh light of the toilet: "crying your name between painful heaves, forehead leaning against the porcelain," says it beautifully.
I also like the way you use the flood of memories to add to the protagonist's confusion: What did I do wrong? What should I have read into all these things to see this coming?
A very minor suggestion: Verse 2 line 4: I think you meant "eye watering" rather than "eye water". Suspect its just a typo you may want to consider.
-Psyve