Accommodations
#4
Quote:There are no shadows, I'm sitting in the soft light,[Soft light seems a tad cliche to me, and this line doesn't really paint a vivid picture to me of the setting or anything]
waiting for my doctor to come.
Just one. All by himself, he comes in,[I fee like this could be shortened]
like I'm not important and he's not afraid
or anything. I could be anyone
or no one.
And he'll just come in and ask a few questions
and look me over, make a new appointment
for a follow-up exam.
But if I was a prisoner, or had some strange rash,
he might take caution, even smile a canned smile,
not real or fake.[I don't really understand this part]
Some really strange rash,
something scary:
even experts don't know everything
and have waited their whole lives for this not to happen,
but are excited and tell their friends.

A lot of "comes" or "comes in" maybe a bit redundant.

I liked how this read though. Some lines were a bit of a mouthful, but I felt it flowed well.

Best
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Messages In This Thread
Accommodations - by rowens - 04-21-2015, 03:31 AM
RE: Accommodations - by cidermaid - 04-21-2015, 03:45 AM
RE: Accommodations - by Erthona - 04-21-2015, 10:48 PM
RE: Accommodations - by MrTurnipHead - 04-25-2015, 01:44 AM
RE: Accommodations - by hopefularahant - 04-26-2015, 01:23 PM
RE: Accommodations - by rowens - 04-28-2015, 02:57 AM
RE: Accommodations - by thebrokeanarchist - 05-01-2015, 11:58 AM



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