04-24-2015, 05:00 AM
(Just to let you know before hand people tend to think that I am uncommonly brutal in my critiques, as well as generally full of shit. So, yo may wish to forgo the following completely.)
Four lines grouped together are called a quatrain. This seems to be an ear attempt to write in ballad meter. However if this is to be said to be written in anything, it would be accentual verse with varying line length. It is similar to such ballads as "Lord Randall" (see below) circa mid 1600's, where the last line is repeated. This was fine in that oral tradition, however as poetry has moved more towards a literary form and away from the oral storytelling form, the repetition becomes more obvious, less effective and seen more as an affectation. As I suspect you lack the ability to approximate a Scottish accent, I would excise the two partial attempts here: "nay" and "Tis". I can appreciate you lifting the Indian phrase (I can't remember if it was Lakota or the Dene/Apache) "It's a good day to die" and turning it into "It's a grand day to die", although it does seem a little Rodger's and Hammerstein, a la "State Fair"
There are definitely a number of clunky lines lines, one of the more egregious, "For it is now that must be dealt with".
Not only is it wrong grammatically, but it is just wrong.
Welcome to the site
Best,
Dale
________________________________________________________________
Lord Randall
"Oh where ha'e ye been, Lord Randall my son?
O where ha'e ye been, my handsome young man?"
"I ha'e been to the wild wood: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"Where gat ye your dinner, Lord Randall my son?
Where gat ye your dinner, my handsome young man?"
"I dined wi' my true love; mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"What gat ye to your dinner, Lord Randall my son?
What gat ye to your dinner, my handsome young man?"
"I gat eels boiled in broo: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"What became of your bloodhounds, Lord Randall my son?
What became of your bloodhounds, my handsome young man?"
"O they swelled and they died: mother, make my bed soon,
for I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"O I fear ye are poisoned, Lord Randall my son!
O I fear ye are poisoned, my handsome young man!"
"O yes, I am poisoned: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm sick at the heart, and I fain wald lie down."
Four lines grouped together are called a quatrain. This seems to be an ear attempt to write in ballad meter. However if this is to be said to be written in anything, it would be accentual verse with varying line length. It is similar to such ballads as "Lord Randall" (see below) circa mid 1600's, where the last line is repeated. This was fine in that oral tradition, however as poetry has moved more towards a literary form and away from the oral storytelling form, the repetition becomes more obvious, less effective and seen more as an affectation. As I suspect you lack the ability to approximate a Scottish accent, I would excise the two partial attempts here: "nay" and "Tis". I can appreciate you lifting the Indian phrase (I can't remember if it was Lakota or the Dene/Apache) "It's a good day to die" and turning it into "It's a grand day to die", although it does seem a little Rodger's and Hammerstein, a la "State Fair"
There are definitely a number of clunky lines lines, one of the more egregious, "For it is now that must be dealt with".
Not only is it wrong grammatically, but it is just wrong.
Welcome to the site
Best,
Dale
________________________________________________________________
Lord Randall
"Oh where ha'e ye been, Lord Randall my son?
O where ha'e ye been, my handsome young man?"
"I ha'e been to the wild wood: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"Where gat ye your dinner, Lord Randall my son?
Where gat ye your dinner, my handsome young man?"
"I dined wi' my true love; mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"What gat ye to your dinner, Lord Randall my son?
What gat ye to your dinner, my handsome young man?"
"I gat eels boiled in broo: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"What became of your bloodhounds, Lord Randall my son?
What became of your bloodhounds, my handsome young man?"
"O they swelled and they died: mother, make my bed soon,
for I'm weary wi' hunting, and fain wald lie down."
"O I fear ye are poisoned, Lord Randall my son!
O I fear ye are poisoned, my handsome young man!"
"O yes, I am poisoned: mother, make my bed soon,
For I'm sick at the heart, and I fain wald lie down."
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.