Browsing through the Blue (final edit)
#12
(04-12-2015, 01:45 AM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Second draft:

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces Can you lose butt? What is a butt-face? Baby face is way more recognized. If you're referring to actual NEWBORNS, then there needs to be some clarification, and if that's that case, I agree they DEF look like butts. Wrinkly old butts.
or future models striking poses Striking poses is cliche. There is so much to be said about models other than 'striking poses'. Fumbling down the runway, posing for a pedophile...etc etc, this could be another poem actually.
but with sickness. +100 for contrast

Someday, my wall From reading you comments above, I know you're referring to Facebook, but this could also read as your 'wall' in the sense of how one protects/presents themselves to society.
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake please PLEASE get rid of yummy...it's juvenile and reminiscent of Judy Blume
or memetically calculated heartbreak as you stated above, memetically is not a word...that's not to say it shouldn't be, but can you somehow get rid of it for clarification and work in meme?
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with doodled-out distraction 
or silly slogans for inspiration
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with the stench of a wild night
or empty promises of morning light WARNING morning light = cliche, this line deserves more coming after the awesome line of stench of a wild night
but with sleep.

I know I was seriously nitpicky, but this poem is awesome. I think with a rework of the title that sheds light on the digital connotation of 'wall', you've got serious gold here. Good luck!  

First draft:
Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes
but with sleep.

A bit of a note: the awkward rhyming is intended, to add a sense of dissonance to the poem. Hope that idea works out. (This note still applies for the new draft)
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Messages In This Thread
RE: My Wall - by makeshift - 04-12-2015, 03:26 PM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-12-2015, 05:04 PM
RE: My Wall - by 71degrees - 04-13-2015, 02:46 AM
RE: My Wall - by ellajam - 04-13-2015, 02:59 AM
RE: My Wall - by aland88 - 04-14-2015, 06:56 AM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-15-2015, 08:31 PM
RE: My Wall - by ellajam - 04-15-2015, 08:42 PM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-18-2015, 01:27 AM
RE: My Wall - by bena - 04-18-2015, 06:08 AM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-23-2015, 10:14 AM
RE: My Wall - by TimeOut - 04-23-2015, 03:55 PM
RE: My Wall - by RiverNotch - 04-23-2015, 06:42 PM



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