04-23-2015, 03:16 AM
I also like the metaphor that you are painting in this one, it works very well. The problem is, as others have said, is the filler. There are simply too many words that don't evoke the meaning that your are trying to make them evoke. At times the rhyme scheme seems to be a tad forced, perhaps that is why there is some filler in this poem. Don't try to force rhyme where it doesn't work, sometimes not rhyming is just as beautiful and can evoke a more powerful meaning.