Visitor 15/3/15

[groberts01]

Hey Bearsy22 . The first time posting your poetry here can be scary, it certainly was for me! But don't make excuses for your poems before I read them! As a reader I need the writer to help me have confidence in what they write.
This poem obviously comes from personal experience, and thanks to that there are a lot of specific images shining through: the "sleep pastels" (does this refer to hospital gowns?), Kermit. These do help to give the poem a realistic depth. It's pleasing also to see you avoid cliché, which I find difficult when writing about mental illness.
However, perhaps because you are writing from experience a lot of these images come off as esoteric. As you have already identified the poem needs some refinement. I suggest that you consider your sentence structure more. The poem will be easier to understand if it makes grammatical sense.

Visitor 15/3/15
Barged through door 1 like a time bomb
Door 2 was sliced with a Costa Card This line and the next are unclear to me. Should there be punctuation here? Or, removing enjambment, did you mean "a Costa Card Kermit on her hand"?
Kermit on her hand.
Diagnosis.
I was joking Same point as above.
I was wondering if you could escort me off the premises?
Not allowed. I’m sorry.
It’s her fault. Eyes are vague. Do I know you?
Do you know me.
Hello insomnia. Wrench out my hair. Step on my chest I think that the way these lines are written in fragments does add to the poem, perhaps it reflects the patients state of mind. But I think they could be rewritten to be more effective. For example, the voice of this poem seems to change often, without it being made clear who is now speaking: "Not allowed" comes from some authority at the hospital, and "Do I know you?" maybe from the patient.
Someone pulled out the plug. The music’s stopped
You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don’t drink the tea. That one swigs the milk out the carton.
Large shuffling bodies in sleep pastels
Smoke privilege. This line, like a few others, needs more explanation to mean something to me.
Dragons stare into space
1 pound 2 pound 3 pound
4
Put on the suit
Please hand your sharp objects over to me before you enter.
I’m the plumber. Come to fix your works.
You dislocating criminal.
I’ll be out next week
Kermit sings through the hands
She was a lecturer. Before.
I sip at the empty cup and look at the crimson lines. Brambles, I think. Not knife.
HE RAPED ME. This made me jump, in a good way.
She lived down the road.
THEY RAPE US WHEN WE SLEEP
5 pound 6 pound
7
no more
Don’t drink that, my dear. It’s poison
Stelazine breath
RUN
You stare blankly on.
THEY RAPE US
I should be out next week. I think this makes a good, punchy end line.