Senior Year

[Magpie]

Hi, this is quite difficult to read for a couple of reasons, but the main reason is the lack of puctuation. Apart from the commas used in the repitition of 'Sunday' and the time there are only I think three commas and one full stop. Because it is your poem that you have written it is easy for you to read through and understand, but for anyone else it will be really difficult to read through without having to stop and double back on quite a few lines and then work out what you really intended to say.

Senior year (If only my 18th birthday was 14 years away rather than 2 months past)

1.
Sunday, 2:03pm,                       ---- I don't think that the constant time reference throughout adds anything to the poem. Apart from towards the end where the gap between times is larger the rest are fairly evenly spaced and I think that there are better ways of illustrating how much time has passed between each event. Also if you did want to keep it you only need to state that it is Sunday once.
my father breaks the shower faucet ---- There a lot of instances in this poem of 'my father' and 'my mother' and a lot of them would read better without 'my' especially before 'father', it would make the tone between the narrator and the father a bit colder.
for the third time this month
my mother drags her body up the stairs --- And here is a perfect example of the need for punctuation, it could be understood as it being the third time in a month that the mother drags her body up the stairs. Also this line is awkward, has the mother killed someone and is dragging a body round with her?? 'drags herself' would be clearer but still awkward, I'm not sure if it is possible to drag yourself up stairs.
mental exhaustion wears on her eye sockets

their vows ring in her ears ---- I presume here that you mean the wedding vows of the couple but it's not at first clear.
he throws a wrench at her face
but its blocked   --- If the reason the wrench misses its target is due the fact that the father is drunk then it isn't blocked, it misses.
by my father's drunken aim

Sunday, 2:05pm
my sister leaps on spot
her legs still crossed
on my bedroom floor

she is not met with an iron tool
but my stare
of both embarrassment and pity

fear lazily strikes itself across her face, --- Is fear ever lazy? 
panic is barely noticeable,
the angry words and drunken slurs
were nothing less than habitual.

Sunday, 2:07pm
my mother's body slams
against a wall or a door
the thump is dead
it mocks her --- I don't understand these two lines. Does the thump mock her, and is it 'thump' the sound or 'thump' the action as in being thumped by someone?

Sunday, 2:11pm
I rip the bathroom door from its hinges
imagine the firm handshake --- Are you imagining the firm handshake or are you asking the reader to imagine it?
my father once showed me

I lumbar over the threshold --- You mean 'lumber'? 'Lumbar' is a part of the body.
stand toe to toe with Goliath
I am David --- You could leave this line out and the lines either side of it imply that you are David.
I have come with neither slingshot nor stone  --- There is a possibility of a good image that the reader can grasp in this stanza, although the 'David and Goliath' comparison has been used many times before and therefore could be seen as cliche

my Father's crutch is my savior. 
he is too drunk to throw anything at aim for my face
but not drunk enough to be conquered

Sunday, 2:19pm
my mother and I part
as if he is Moses and we are the Red Sea ---- Again this can be seen as cliche, but will probably be seen first as a bad metaphor, the charecteristics of the father are not fitting in with the characteristics of Moses and therefore it is a bad choice of representation
he half tumbles down the stairs
whisky becomes lead in the blood stream  ---- I may be missing something here, but I'm not quite getting 'lead in the bloodstream'

Sunday, 2:37pm
the blue Subaru --- Ah, is the lead a reference to petrol perhaps
shifts and submits under my father's hand
just as my mother has done so many nights

the car lurches backward  --- 
a diagonal course  ---- I'm not sure if the car can lurch backward diagonally unless we know in realtion to what it is diagonal
those marks will scar the grass
for years

Sunday, 4:01pm
my mother's vocal cords have seized ---- Punctuation again would help this stanza to read more clearly.
her body hugs the memory
of my father's driver's seat

the warmth of the blacktop
a better husband
than my father could ever be



2.
Sunday, 4:57pm
my lips shift in tandem
with my vocal cord's vibration
diaphragm expands and contracts

I need to cringe at the drone[.] 
[T]he officer's voice
mixes[, no comma here] so irritatingly --- more puctuation in these three stanzas
with the phone's
electrical buzz[.]

shallow breaths between
automated responses
supplies just enough oxygen
so I cannot forget tonight

Sunday, 5:28pm
I open the French door
the familiar sound of suction
seems less nostalgic tonight --- This stanza doesn't make sense because nostalgia is a looking back or returning to something whereas if it is a famaliar sound, a present everyday sound then it can't be nostalgic.

my bare feet tango
around the missing deck boards
another project my mother thought ---- I do like the idea of the image in this stanza the only issue I would have with it would be the choice of dance. Like the cliche states "It takes two to tango" although I'm no expert in the matter.
could fix my father

she is a part of the blacktop now
the sun illuminates her umber hair
the grey strands bow toward the light

I pause quickly
will I be that beautiful when
the cool March breeze is the only
thing in this world
willing enough to touch my skin

The first thing that this poem needs more than anything else is punctuation. I know I have mentioned a fair few times but there were so many places throughout the poem where lines could have been read in more than way. Punctuation would sort this out and from there it would be easier to look at other issues. Also ask yourself if every word in there is absolutely necsessary. If you can take out three or four words in one stanza and not lose any meaning that you intended to convey then those words don't need to be there.
I know that this is only your first poem on this site, so I'm sorry if you think I've been a bit harsh with my critique but this is the Serious Forum so you did kind of jump straight into the fire but this site is also the right place to improve your poetry skills so stick around if you are serious about writing poetry.
Thanks for the read and welcome to the site,

Mark