04-16-2015, 01:01 PM
(04-14-2015, 01:19 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: The PartyThis is a pretty good poem in my eyes, just have a few thoughts you might want to consider. It reminds me of a Dylan song "Only a Pawn in Their Game" except in this case the "pawn/sheep" is some kind of a date rapist, or at the very least a misogynist.
With dead heart and high hopes,
he stalks into the wild. Why not just say "the wolf stalks into the wild", instead of waiting a sentence to reveal who he is?
Flanked by fake friends,
the wolf falls,
in line.
Clarity clouds him,
keeps contemplations, "contemplations" is a little vague - what would he be contemplating?. I also wouldn't naturally pause after contemplations, I get you might be trying to replicate the end of the stanza's, but I would cut the comma here.
at bay. Second guesses
are hilarious,
in line.
Glassy amber in red,
white lines on glass, You use glass twice in quick succession here, could change one to make a more distinct image (probably the wine one if you were to change one).
green dressed in white.
drink, snort, smoke,
in line.
He considers,
he feels and stares. There's no need for the second "he" to start this line. Also, what does he feel? even adding one small word like "ice" after "feels" would combine an image with the thought and make it more powerful.
Cutting deals with her emotion,
he takes meat in his fangs,
in line.
He drags his prey,
she stumbles along as well. This line is implied by the previous one, you could try and change it and add something new.
Having had his fill,
he dumps her, barebones,
in line.
He returns from the hunt,
howling with pride,
but he's no wolf.
Just another sheep,
in line.
I wrote a similar poem called "The Sick Gazelle", from the perspective of one of these "sheep", it's on this website somewhere you might be interested in reading that too.

