04-15-2015, 12:43 AM
First off, welcome! This is a really creative and expressive piece you have, and with the context you provided I could easily tell what you were doing. Some of the verses are very well done and i enjoyed the numbers ans counting you included along with some of the lines.
That said, like the previous critique pointed out, some of the lines are far too long and sort of ruin the rhythm. Maybe shortening and lengthening some of the lines to similar lengths would help the poem move more smoothly. Also, to make it easier to read, you could split it into multiple stanzas, and drop one or two of the lines that dont really move the poem along, or combine them with others. Also, if i hadnt had the contest you gave, i dont know that i would have ever figured out what you were talking about. And while poetry never really spells things out specifically, it makes the poetry alot more enjoyable if you know what youre reading.
Also, your poem could benefit from some varied word choice, because as it is, the poem very creative, but very plain as far as word choice. Thats all i got! Take it with a grain of salt.
That said, like the previous critique pointed out, some of the lines are far too long and sort of ruin the rhythm. Maybe shortening and lengthening some of the lines to similar lengths would help the poem move more smoothly. Also, to make it easier to read, you could split it into multiple stanzas, and drop one or two of the lines that dont really move the poem along, or combine them with others. Also, if i hadnt had the contest you gave, i dont know that i would have ever figured out what you were talking about. And while poetry never really spells things out specifically, it makes the poetry alot more enjoyable if you know what youre reading.
Also, your poem could benefit from some varied word choice, because as it is, the poem very creative, but very plain as far as word choice. Thats all i got! Take it with a grain of salt.