04-14-2015, 04:03 AM
heavens = glass of parfait!
The sun = syrup-drenched peach at the bottom of the parfait
? = a meringue of dew carefully folded into the creamy air floats
earth = a light sprinkling of green mint and cocoa *
Desert = creation: Heavens, Sun, Earth.
Over it = over creation: a meringue of dew carefully folded into the creamy air floats;
*I am unsure if the green mint and cocoa is on the parfait, since combining those two items with a syrup-drenched peach does not appear all that appetizing.
_________________
Second section:
Creation = mess
"But we're always so keen to dip our dirty spoons
into the mess, to have too much of it,
and to poison it for the rest."
Dirty spoons = ?
mess = creation?
poison it for the rest = make it unfit for all other? If humans are the ones who "poison it", who are "all others?" Animals. Why not say animals instead of this mysterious and undefined "all others?" Oh, of course, future humans who will continue to pollute, we are ruining it for them also.
Therefore: So we dip into the mess of creation with our dirty spoons (undefined) and we poison it.
_____________________________________
Third section
In the distance,
the smokestack city harries* its last hurrah
for the day; its digits of stone and steel
spew heavy smoke into the sunset sky.
*definition: to harass, annoy, or prove a nuisance to by or as if by repeated attacks; worry:
Poison = pollution
Message: We are polluting creation and ruining it for everybody else.
________________________________________________________________
Outside of imaging creation as a sticky desert, nothing else seems original at all. The image of smokestacks belching out smoke is as old as the industrial revolution, while turning the images into stone fingers does not in any way enhance the image, but more importantly it confuses it. What idea is stone fingers supposed to convey above what the trite image of smokestacks belching smoke does not?
This also points out the problem with the flowery language, in that it is cliche and does not really add anything in most instances anymore than stone fingers adds here.
Overall what I get from this is a PSA against pollution in a similar vein as the Indian crying the single tear because of the pollution he sees around him. At the time, cira 1960's-70's, it was an effective commercial, today it would seem dated, and most probably be ineffective. What your intent was (if there was a deeper one) aside from this, never came across for me.
I unfortunately must concur with what most everyone else has said and though you have made attempts to exonerate yourself from their criticism, to me, it does not seem as though you have succeeded.
As I know you for an intelligent fellow, I know there must be more in your mind than what managed to arrive on paper. Hopefully you will find a way to make that more explicit.
Best,
Dale
The sun = syrup-drenched peach at the bottom of the parfait
? = a meringue of dew carefully folded into the creamy air floats
earth = a light sprinkling of green mint and cocoa *
Desert = creation: Heavens, Sun, Earth.
Over it = over creation: a meringue of dew carefully folded into the creamy air floats;
*I am unsure if the green mint and cocoa is on the parfait, since combining those two items with a syrup-drenched peach does not appear all that appetizing.
_________________
Second section:
Creation = mess
"But we're always so keen to dip our dirty spoons
into the mess, to have too much of it,
and to poison it for the rest."
Dirty spoons = ?
mess = creation?
poison it for the rest = make it unfit for all other? If humans are the ones who "poison it", who are "all others?" Animals. Why not say animals instead of this mysterious and undefined "all others?" Oh, of course, future humans who will continue to pollute, we are ruining it for them also.
Therefore: So we dip into the mess of creation with our dirty spoons (undefined) and we poison it.
_____________________________________
Third section
In the distance,
the smokestack city harries* its last hurrah
for the day; its digits of stone and steel
spew heavy smoke into the sunset sky.
*definition: to harass, annoy, or prove a nuisance to by or as if by repeated attacks; worry:
Poison = pollution
Message: We are polluting creation and ruining it for everybody else.
________________________________________________________________
Outside of imaging creation as a sticky desert, nothing else seems original at all. The image of smokestacks belching out smoke is as old as the industrial revolution, while turning the images into stone fingers does not in any way enhance the image, but more importantly it confuses it. What idea is stone fingers supposed to convey above what the trite image of smokestacks belching smoke does not?
This also points out the problem with the flowery language, in that it is cliche and does not really add anything in most instances anymore than stone fingers adds here.
Overall what I get from this is a PSA against pollution in a similar vein as the Indian crying the single tear because of the pollution he sees around him. At the time, cira 1960's-70's, it was an effective commercial, today it would seem dated, and most probably be ineffective. What your intent was (if there was a deeper one) aside from this, never came across for me.
I unfortunately must concur with what most everyone else has said and though you have made attempts to exonerate yourself from their criticism, to me, it does not seem as though you have succeeded.
As I know you for an intelligent fellow, I know there must be more in your mind than what managed to arrive on paper. Hopefully you will find a way to make that more explicit.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.