Blanche -i edit 1 (ellajam, Tiger the Lion)

[LorettaYoung]

Hey Loretta. Congrats on the edit.

Blanche - edit 1 (ellajam, Tiger the Lion)
Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure.
But time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy drained by haunting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place:
Blanche......................Blanche....................,I'm not a fan of all the dots. Plain ellipses would be better IMO, and they don't require a comma after them.
to her window sill they cried.
She smiled at them, through tears, as family died. Her family is a bit of a non-sequitur here.
"Destitute", she stressed by frantic wire
then traveled on the streetcar named Desire;
descending to a slum dressed as defeat,
where greasy brutes brawled in the muddy street.
Inside (comma) stained paint chips float from barren walls,
a naked light bulb, hung from wire, falls.
Flowers........................Flowers.......................,
those buried with the dead,
their shadows echoed through her cloudy head.
Hands gripped upon a weathered wooden chair
that sat beside the tattered tableware.
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
evading fading youth before its close.
Despising charm her dense host unimpressed,
returning her finesse with crude protest.
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways to this abyss. Abyss is a tricky word to keep from sounding cliche.
Blanche........................Blanche.......................,
though phantoms whispered danger,
depended on the kindness of a stranger.
g.e.Kaye 4/9/15
A couple of interesting quotes if you need crack filler:
"I don't want realism, I want magic"
"deliberate cruelty is not forgivable"
Lastly, I feel Blanche was terrified of being seen in full light. A recurring theme in the play not reflected in the poem. I think you hinted at it with "evading fading youth before its close." but you could exploit it further.
Hope I've been of some help.
 
Blanche - original
Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure,
but time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy strained by counting fears,
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place.
Blanche.........Blanche............to her sill they cried.
She smile at them through tears as family died.
Destitute left one route to acquire,'
she traveled on the streetcar called desire;
descending on a slum nicknamed defeat,
where sweaty brutes brawled on the muddy street.
Inside, stained paint chips float from barren walls
and naked light bulbs, hung from wire, falls.
Flowers.........Flowers...........flowers for the dead.
Remembered loss revisited her with dread.
Hand gripped upon a withered wooden chair,
that sat beside the tattered tableware;
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose,
evading fading youth before its close.
Despising charm her dull host unimpressed
returned her kind words with crass protest,
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways with death to this,
Blanche.......Blanche.......though echoes threatened danger,
she clung to the arm of a kind stranger.
g.e.Kaye 4/9/15

Hi Paul: Well, I don't know what elllipses are, sorry, would they represent that eerie feeling Blanche was in when she had her visions, I'm not partial to dots.
That it reads as a non-sequitur, is probably an ineffective way I tried to allude to the time when Blanch tells stella
why they lost the masnion, how she tended to all the family that died, and the story tells how she escaped that in her embraces of strangers, smiling for them as she toiled.  But I agree, this sentence doesn't do that.
And considering your revelatory new areas, perhaps I must expand this.  Decision of to emit or expand death of family; as told; each one dying, she spoke of the taxes, and "all up in smoKe" 
Well, thank you very much for your help and comments; I will surely consider them.  Feel free if you have any other suggestions. Best Loretta
Hi again Paul: I wanted to let you know I made changes To S1, in line 2 and added lines S5-6. and the first, refrain? L3: This to hopefully elucidate her dual nature of tribulation and escape to her "magic" in embrace; why she both smiled and cried.
: I hope it isn't overkill. In stanza 3 , L4-5 were added to embellish her fears of age, that makes 4 lines here which address the issue: is that too much explaining. I hinted at magic, and cruelty. PS: know what ellipses are; can't find them. Thanks so much Paul for your help. Very much appreciate. Best Loretta