04-13-2015, 07:29 AM
RiverNotch,
Good to see you around, Thanks for the in depth critique, your time to do so is much appreciated. I think you wanted a different type of humor than what this was and on what it was predicated. Certainly the attempt at humor overall failed. Part of the wordiness and overstatement which you pointed is part of this type of humor, as noted, here it failed to work. The overall goal of the poem is to point to a type of universal foible (not any particular within the poem per se) and then make sport of it: so basic satire. Punctuation and other points you have made will prove beneficial as this is a punctuational and grammatical mess. Anyway, I have not yet given it the reads through it deserves, but I will and maybe with both your and Billy's comments this might become something that I do not instantly want to file 13.
Good to see you around,
Dale
Good to see you around, Thanks for the in depth critique, your time to do so is much appreciated. I think you wanted a different type of humor than what this was and on what it was predicated. Certainly the attempt at humor overall failed. Part of the wordiness and overstatement which you pointed is part of this type of humor, as noted, here it failed to work. The overall goal of the poem is to point to a type of universal foible (not any particular within the poem per se) and then make sport of it: so basic satire. Punctuation and other points you have made will prove beneficial as this is a punctuational and grammatical mess. Anyway, I have not yet given it the reads through it deserves, but I will and maybe with both your and Billy's comments this might become something that I do not instantly want to file 13.
Good to see you around,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.