04-13-2015, 01:41 AM
NW,
This is not a critical forum, and so you need not have critique. If you do not wish critique, do not read the following.
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The critique:
There is a reason why we no longer cap the first word of every line any more, we found it is easier for the reader to make sense of what the poet is saying. Unless you have some reason besides affectation for capping the first word, I suggest giving your reader a break and stop. even though this is misc. unless the writer specifies no critique, a piece will get plenty critique, as the errors buries what ever meaning might have been there, which will lead to very frustrated reader. Also ditto on the cliches, trite phrases, punctuation, or lack there of. Beyond that this poem seems mainly predicated on the rhymes, mainly forced, and seem to follow wherever the rhyme leads, rather than having or holding to an idea prior to the writing; that is to say the poem has been hi-jacked by the rhyme. I would point out an egregious one, except nearly all are.
Sorry, don't mean to bust your chops, but you really need to move away from most of the stuff you are doing. If poetry is new to you it is understandable, but nothing of what has been pointed out generally leads to good poetry. Maybe in the hands of a really good poet parts can be used in a beneficial way, but that is not the case here. Just because it is a poem, it is not freed from the usual restrictions of grammar that is imposed on all writing. Rhyme as with any rhythmical component helps drive the poem energetically, but not as to it's purpose. Cliches and trite phrases are nearly always frowned upon, if for no other reason than they lack originality and are boring.
I have no idea what you are trying to say here, but if you have an idea, try writing it out in grammatical sentences first, so you are clear about that in your mind, so it is less likely to get hi-jacked. Probably stay away from rhyme as it seems to be a pitfall for you at the moment. Rhyme works best with consistent meter, and does not work well without it (that explanation is long so I will forgo it here). Try practicing on some of the simpler metrical forms. This site has much information about all of this. Try http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-10.html
Dale
This is not a critical forum, and so you need not have critique. If you do not wish critique, do not read the following.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
The critique:
There is a reason why we no longer cap the first word of every line any more, we found it is easier for the reader to make sense of what the poet is saying. Unless you have some reason besides affectation for capping the first word, I suggest giving your reader a break and stop. even though this is misc. unless the writer specifies no critique, a piece will get plenty critique, as the errors buries what ever meaning might have been there, which will lead to very frustrated reader. Also ditto on the cliches, trite phrases, punctuation, or lack there of. Beyond that this poem seems mainly predicated on the rhymes, mainly forced, and seem to follow wherever the rhyme leads, rather than having or holding to an idea prior to the writing; that is to say the poem has been hi-jacked by the rhyme. I would point out an egregious one, except nearly all are.
Sorry, don't mean to bust your chops, but you really need to move away from most of the stuff you are doing. If poetry is new to you it is understandable, but nothing of what has been pointed out generally leads to good poetry. Maybe in the hands of a really good poet parts can be used in a beneficial way, but that is not the case here. Just because it is a poem, it is not freed from the usual restrictions of grammar that is imposed on all writing. Rhyme as with any rhythmical component helps drive the poem energetically, but not as to it's purpose. Cliches and trite phrases are nearly always frowned upon, if for no other reason than they lack originality and are boring.
I have no idea what you are trying to say here, but if you have an idea, try writing it out in grammatical sentences first, so you are clear about that in your mind, so it is less likely to get hi-jacked. Probably stay away from rhyme as it seems to be a pitfall for you at the moment. Rhyme works best with consistent meter, and does not work well without it (that explanation is long so I will forgo it here). Try practicing on some of the simpler metrical forms. This site has much information about all of this. Try http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-10.html
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.