04-12-2015, 01:42 AM
(04-04-2015, 05:45 AM)Wjames Wrote: An outcrop of rock leads to the lake
from the front of the cabin. Is 'from' here right? I have no idea. In fact, though the image for these two lines is there, somehow, I feel the whole wording is wrong....
In the spring, when the rains come,
ponds pool in its inlets and fill with life. Wouldn't a lake's inlets already be filled with water (pooled with ponds) regardless of spring rain (even if the water is all in ice -- that's still water)? Near, maybe, instead of in. Or did you mean the rock? But then, rocks don't normally have inlets...
Moss forms in the dampened cracks;
tadpoles, trapped in their eggs, writhe in rebellion "Rebellion" here sounds wrong. The dragonflies hold no sovereignty over the tadpoles here -- they eat them, sure, but they don't rule over them, and because of the "dragon" part, I don't think they can be ever treated as kings of the pond. They writhe, yes, that's good, but they writhe due to something else....in fear, perhaps, but more eloquently stated? Or in defiance, which doesn't have the same baggage.
as dragonfly nymphs move in to feed. "Nymphs" partly weaken the idea of Dragons moving into feed, but that, I think, is more a peculiarity in my thinking.
By summer, when we'd arrive, the rock is in turmoil:
frogs croaking the humid blues while their ponds shrink in the sun,
preparing to leave home for the lake. This whole stanza is pretty evocative.
Overall, beautiful imagery, though a bit awkward word-wise in places. Thanks for the read!