04-11-2015, 05:09 PM
Hey there Bearsy~!
Thank you for posting your poem here. I just woke up so hopefully my feedback won't be too bad. Maybe reading poetry isn't the best idea when I just woke up though haha. I just want you to know as well, I actually read the poem and posted my feedback without reading the context of it first, so I think I didn't do too bad huh?
Anyway, I wanted to say first of all that I really enjoyed the poem. On my first read through it, I wasn't completely sold, but I was definitely intrigued. I had to read it again just to try to figure it out, like a puzzle. But then I stopped to think, hey, is this poem written about a person with schizophrenia? And then, I read it again with that in mind and it made more sense to me.
So I'm not sure if that was the initial point of this poem or not, a person with schizophrenia I mean. My guess is some form of mental illness, because to me that would make sense of all the disjointed sentences and line breaks. It would make sense of the conflicts in the middle of some lines such as 'I sip at the empty cup and look at the crimson lines. Brambles, I think. Not knife.' Which is actually one of my favourite lines of this entire poem. I especially love the word Brambles, for me it forms a vivid picture in my mind.
That being said, 'You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don’t drink the tea. That one swigs the milk out the carton.' I feel like this line could be shortened to just 'You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don't drink the tea.' I personally think it might look better that way, and I also felt the latter was a bit out of place.
Anyway, just wanted to share my thoughts for you to consider, I will now hand this over to someone much better at giving feedback than me, haha. I hope that what I said was helpful in some way though.
wanderlust
Thank you for posting your poem here. I just woke up so hopefully my feedback won't be too bad. Maybe reading poetry isn't the best idea when I just woke up though haha. I just want you to know as well, I actually read the poem and posted my feedback without reading the context of it first, so I think I didn't do too bad huh?
Anyway, I wanted to say first of all that I really enjoyed the poem. On my first read through it, I wasn't completely sold, but I was definitely intrigued. I had to read it again just to try to figure it out, like a puzzle. But then I stopped to think, hey, is this poem written about a person with schizophrenia? And then, I read it again with that in mind and it made more sense to me.
So I'm not sure if that was the initial point of this poem or not, a person with schizophrenia I mean. My guess is some form of mental illness, because to me that would make sense of all the disjointed sentences and line breaks. It would make sense of the conflicts in the middle of some lines such as 'I sip at the empty cup and look at the crimson lines. Brambles, I think. Not knife.' Which is actually one of my favourite lines of this entire poem. I especially love the word Brambles, for me it forms a vivid picture in my mind.
That being said, 'You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don’t drink the tea. That one swigs the milk out the carton.' I feel like this line could be shortened to just 'You sit with a jug of squash between us. Don't drink the tea.' I personally think it might look better that way, and I also felt the latter was a bit out of place.
Anyway, just wanted to share my thoughts for you to consider, I will now hand this over to someone much better at giving feedback than me, haha. I hope that what I said was helpful in some way though.
wanderlust