Perfect Dusk

[milo]

Though I agree with some of your points, I disagree with your general sentiment regarding the poem. It really is meant to be excessive and flowery, and some of the parts you trimmed basically killed the extended metaphor. Although that could again be my fault -- the floweriness is out of date (I frankly don't mind out of date, however), and the extended metaphor isn't really clarified. There could also, perhaps, be a better, less rambling way of showing the whole thing, but I'll wait for more pieces of feedback before deciding on a full course of action.

And further note -- this will be veryfun to gut and revise, especially with the poem also following a meter, of sorts. It's all in syllabic verse. But again, thank you for the feedback!

good egg.