Perfect Dusk

[RiverNotch]

Thank you for the feedback!

[quote='RiverNotch' pid='188621' dateline='1428672258']
I have a neat little backlog of poetry here, most of them made since my last two threads here (this is without considering my less serious poem of late, which I don't plan to touch until I'm done with the subject it deals with; education's being a bit of an asshole right now). I've revisited one of those already; I'll revisit the other one sometime soon, with its older, less stringent version as the new edit (I'm a bit stuck with the current one). But for now, I'll go on ahead and present most of my backlog, starting with the ones I'll take the most seriously in revising. 

Sunlight falls all over the world No it doesn't

I'm rather surprised this line is being taken so literally.

like the honey-water dripping
from the skin of a ripened peach
preserved in a jar of delight. What is a jar of delight and how do you get honey-water "dripping" in to it from an immersed preserved peach. Metaphors should clarify, not obscure

I see your point. I'll need to clarify that the peach was already taken out of the jar -- I could perhaps establish also the glass, the dish of the whole thing, so that the image of the dessert will be more concrete. 

It mingles with the soft meringue What is "it"? You do not say...peach or honey-water( whatever that is) or sunlight. "it" is an indefinite article which decouples from any reference  very easily. Clarify.

It's sunlight. It's the only thing that can mingle so, plus I think it already very clearly follows from the subject of the earlier sentence. 

of syrupy dew carefully
folded into the heavy cream
of the chilly evening souffle. Should I know this souffle? You say "the", which is a definite article but I have not been introduced...so really, it is just an evening souffle to me.

Metaphor again, although in retrospect, a fairly bad one. I really have to rework this line, then.

I cough into the syrup-drenched I can imagine but choose not to. Inappropriate contextually.

I lol at that. Perhaps I should change the transitioning device then, from "I cough" to something else?

horizon broken by the city
silhouette, a mass of greedy stone
hands with fingers and tumors of steel Some good imagery here but you go all Gothic too quickly. I feel your disgust and appreciate the comparison you are trying to make...but it doesn't gel so it ain't aspic, to keep in vogue

Hahaha! That was a big problem I'd had with the whole thing -- this really doesn't gel, but at the moment I can't think of anything appropriate to show the disgust while keeping to the central metaphor.

mingling their dirty, smoke-spewing tips
with the dusk's perfect confection. Hmm. Bit of a rush to the finish line...especially as I am a little queasy, myself.

The rush is a good thing, I think. Something completely disgusting, then a rather off-putting twist back into the beginning. Although if you mean that the grey imagery should be elaborated on some more, I'll look into that.

Hi,
Where to begin. This is the serious forum where it is unusual to find work relying for form on a simplistic syllable count without any regard for emphases. I think you need to develop at least some sophistication to avoid this piece sounding like a mathematician writing prose. If you write ANY text string and then count the syllables, divide by the  number of lines you would like then split each line into the given quotient syllables you get...well...this. Any odd syllables left over you can just chop out a modifier here and you have it; but do you want it? I do not.

There is a show of the emphasis, I think, but it is soft. I don't intend to keep it that way, of course, but I have to note that some of the already existing emphases are, at least in my opinion, strong enough to be kept -- "meringue", "carefully", and "cream", though soft in terms of emphasis, did make those positions to keep to the recipe, and "city", "stone", and "steel" were meant to be very urban. Cleaving to the syllabic verse I think reinforces the lyric quality of the first part -- the second part, perhaps, can do away with it, but the issue doesn't seem to exist there. I'll continue following this meter until it really isn't feasible anymore, and so far, it doesn't feel so.

The whole thing reads a children's recipe book metaphorically and amateurishly linked to a jokingly metaphysical emetic.

Frankly, even as a gooey diabetic dream it shows no knowledge a priori of the creation or understanding of what makes a good pud.Syrupy  meringues may work for me once but syrupy horizons just say lack of vocabuary.

You need to pare this back to a lean core metaphor and hang on some well thought through descriptive treats. The idea which you are trying to express is completely buried in hyperbole of the worst kind...that is, deliberate...to the extent that even you, the writer, cannot decide what to call it although I bet Burl Ives could sing it.

I see your point. As I noted before, I'll clarify the metaphor of the first part to be more cohesive (and, alright, less wordy -- more dependent on actual dabs of paint than crayon), and reword the second part to gel better with the rest, as well as not be so unintentionally cloying. I'll still try to hang on to the syllabic verse, though, with the deliberate aura of sweetness still alluded to somewhat, and with the key metaphor being maintained. I do hope my next edit works better, although I am glad the basis of the work already shines a fair deal. Thanks again for the feedback!