Perfect Dusk

[RiverNotch]

First of all, thanks for the feedback!

For the most part, this poem doesn't really work for me.  It is overly modified by forced flowery description of  what is essentially a pretty dull narrative.  Pound is famous for saying " . . Don’t be descriptive; remember that the painter can describe a landscape much better than you can, and that he has to know a deal more about it. " and I am inclined to agree with him here.

The narrative - as far as I can tell:  There is sunlight (mysteriously all over the world at the same time so perhaps this is the apocalypse?).  Our narrator coughs.  The end.  As close as I could come to a central metaphor was the "trite nature is wonderful, man's constructions are ugly."

I wasn't going for narrative nor for a straight description of the locale. I was going for the expression of an emotion, first of a sense of wonder regarding the dessert-like quality of the dusk (with the whole thing being framed into an extended metaphor, hinted at by the title -- although I may have my recipes wrong), then a bit of horror with the city and all that. The floweriness is intended, at least for the first part -- the speaker expresses his elation not only through the words and the extended metaphor themselves, but through the soft, cloying, and excessive nature of the lines too. The coughing of the narrator is meant to be a transitional device for the following idea, that of "man's constructions are ugly", as one coughs when one is exposed to smoke.

Sunlight falls all over the world
like the honey-water dripping
from the skin of a ripened peach
preserved in a jar of delight.

so, I have a couple problems here.  First, sunlight should never fall all over the world at the same time.  Unfortunately, Pythagoras over-rode my theory of a flat earth several thousand years ago.  Second, everything is overly modified and described.  There are a lot of words here to say the rather simple phrase - there is sun.  For me, I would like to see poetry say more with fewer words.  Thirdly, I have no idea what a jar of "delight" is.  What would your intention be with this "jar of delight"?

The world as in what the speaker sees, but perhaps that could be worded better. The overmodification is intended, although I only see one instance of actual direct modification -- "ripened peach". "the skin of the", perhaps, is too much, but the other words simply continue the metaphor. "Jar" again continues the metaphor -- "of delight" is meant to continue the flowery elation of the speaker, although yes, perhaps that too could be worded more clearly, more directly.

It mingles with the soft meringue
of syrupy dew carefully
folded into the heavy cream
of the chilly evening souffle.

Here, our narrator continues to describe sunlight for another 4 whole lines but I can see no relevance to the descriptions.  Descriptions in poetry should /reveal/ something more than "this is what dusk looks like to me".  Once again, there is the continuation of overmodification - soft, syrupy, carefully, heavy, chilly, evening.

I agree that this is a bit overmodified, with "syrupy" already being implied in the meringue, and with "chilly evening" being something that could probably be said better (I did struggle with that line for quite a bit), but I disagree that this isn't necessary, and with the critique on "carefully" and "heavy". Again, this is meant to be lyric -- the constant show of sweetness from the comparisons is meant to continue the expression of the emotion -- and the extended metaphor actually depends on this part (to just relate the dusk to fruit would just be a third of the recipe!). "Heavy cream", I had hoped to evoke the image of evening fog, with the succeeding line clarifying this -- "carefully" is meant to enhance the sweetness of the emotion, as well as reinforce the metaphor (if you're not careful in folding the meringue into the cream, the dessert might not work).

I cough into the syrup-drenched
horizon broken by the city
silhouette, a mass of greedy stone
hands with fingers and tumors of steel
mingling their dirty, smoke-spewing tips
with the dusk's perfect confection.

Watch what happens if we just trim away all of the flowery excess and faux-poeticisms:


Sunlight falls 
like water dripping

It mingles with
 the dew 
of the  evening .

I cough into the
horizon broken by the city
silhouette,  greedy stone
hands 
mingling  smoke-spewing tips
with dusk .


It is immediately better (though still not good).

Good luck.

Thanks for posting.

Though I agree with some of your points, I disagree with your general sentiment regarding the poem. It really is meant to be excessive and flowery, and some of the parts you trimmed basically killed the extended metaphor. Although that could again be my fault -- the floweriness is out of date (I frankly don't mind out of date, however), and the extended metaphor isn't really clarified. There could also, perhaps, be a better, less rambling way of showing the whole thing, but I'll wait for more pieces of feedback before deciding on a full course of action.

And further note -- this will be veryfun to gut and revise, especially with the poem also following a meter, of sorts. It's all in syllabic verse. But again, thank you for the feedback!