Blanche -i edit 1 (ellajam, Tiger the Lion)

[LorettaYoung]

Hi, Loretta, on the whole this was pretty successful for me, it was easy to read and the story made sense. You  may be able to cut some lines that repeat the same thought in different words. The meter was strong enough to pull me through, there are stumbles that could be corrected but I'll have to leave that to someone more adept. I think the isolated couplets worked well. Most of the alliteration adds to an interesting read. A few notes are below.

Blanche
Her youth was clothed in frills and coy allure,
but time took lives and hope, then she was poor.
Her delicacy strained by counting fears, I like counting fears, though mounting fears might make more sense.
though charm and warmth survived long tired years.
She sought escape each night in an embrace
from soldiers passing through to a new place.
Blanche.........Blanche............to her sill they cried.
She smile at them through tears as family died. smiled?
Destitute left one route to acquire,' odd punctuation, typo? and I'm not sure one acquires a route.
she traveled on the streetcar called desire;
descending on a slum nicknamed defeat, You may not need this comma.
where sweaty brutes brawled on the muddy street.
Inside, stained paint chips float from barren walls
and naked light bulbs, hung from wire, falls. bulbs fall, a bulb falls. I think you could rework this line to read smoother.
Flowers.........Flowers...........flowers for the dead.
Remembered loss revisited her with dread. Remembered and revisited together was a bit much for me.
Hand gripped upon a withered wooden chair, Hands would make more sense, but I'm not sure withered is the right word for a chair.
that sat beside the tattered tableware;
Blanche wore a satin robe, her lips in rose, Love the image, strong combined with age.
evading fading youth before its close. Youth is gone, no? Its close is off.
Despising charm her dull host unimpressed
returned her kind words with crass protest, Enjoyed the rhyme here.
Her hint of smile the veil of buried bliss
beneath her weary ways with death to this, "This" is weak.
Blanche.......Blanche.......though echoes threatened danger,
she clung to the arm of a kind stranger. This line feels weakened by being short.
g.e.Kaye 4/9/15

I hope some of this helps, nice read.

Hi ellajam;  I did use mounting fears; changed it to counting because I was trying the suggest that her mind was affected; although mounting does sound better; though she counts them adds to her distress.  Good suggestion though.
Implied in the movie, Blanche's escape from the dying off of her family was to indulge in affairs; she was escaping to smiles; while she tearfully attended to dying family members; and increasing poverty; Perhaps the line is too vague, and I may not have expressed the implication well that her escape from her situation; remained with her charm and coy smiles. It's always been my favorite movie.
Yes, typo. I did question an English major about that line "to acquire", and was told it was OK, but truthfully, I'm not fond of the sound of it anyway.
Naked lights hanging from their wires from the ceiling: yes, could probably be smoother.
Think you are right about remembered and revisited; too close in meaning AND awkward readability I think? Thinking maybe revolved around her head? Whispered, taunted, sorry just thinking; she did hear voices, music whispers, echoes in her head in the movie. They spoke to her fragile condition and were so well done in the film.
Agree with hands, yes, withered applies to age and should reflect the environment, but I will look at other choices.
Youth is not gone gone, just fading; she tries to hide the visible evidence., the rose lips hopefully would relate I hoped
"This", of course, refers to the whole scene, situation, but you are right, it IS weak.
The line is 10 syllables; I wanted to make the last line refer to her last line in the movie, "I always appreciate the kindness of a stranger";
it also refers to her character;  while she suffered with dying family members; she was indulging her desires with strangers; but I struggled so with that line; it is aniclimatic, isn't it..
Thanks so much for this in depth critique, it is very helpful, and your positive comments.Best Loretta